Don't Give Up

I'll be the force that holds you to the earth
and the wind beneath your wings to carry you so far from hurt
Just let me in and I promise you
That I will be the best thing for you
No stop, don't turn around and quit listenin'
We need each other like a secret needs whisperin'
Don't give up before anything has started at all
Don't give up when I've already started to fall
what if I could be strong for the both of us?
What if I could be the girl who really is the one?
Don't give up before you really even know me at all

I could be the ship and sails to take you home
And the light of a rescue boat of your very own
Just take me in and make me yours
And I swear to change your whole world
Just please don't leave and make me keep followin'
I need you like a pinky promise needs promisin'
Don't give up before anything has happened at all
Oh don't give up when I've seen the future and I fall
What if I could be strong enough to hold you up?
What if love could bring the best out of both of us?
Don't walk away before you even really know me at all
Don't stand down when i know that you can stand tall

Baby I'll the wind beneath your wings
I'll rescue you and I'll set you free
Don't hold shut the door
when I can see you're on the floor
And you're bleeding out that blood so red,
and I'm shouting out to let me in
because I love you
and I know my arms around you
and I know my hands all on you

can bring you back to life

So don't give up before you really even know me at all
You're standing down when I know that you can stand tall
What if you could be the one to flick the switch?
Turn on the light and feel the heat of the brightness
I'm watching you give up and just give in to the dark
But please turn around because you're walking out with my heart 

I may be a liar but at least I tell the truth about that

Today was not better than yesterday...

When I Run Through Fountains

I say that I can't feel my heart beat
but I can feel its ghost beat
drums that make my feet
dance again

I sometimes think the wind blows
just to tell me it's cold
enough to warm up my old
smile again

I'm feeling this ice cold
river of a rainbow
falling over my own
shadow of myself

And when I stand in the sun
I see my shadow fall down
and through it shines bright sun
in in a heart on the ground

Is Broken Really Beautiful?

I feel my fear of what I think you are

like my irrational phobia of the dark

Wildly backing out from the start

Like an emotional reaction pre-broken heart

I tried...I tried to warn you
that I would only let you down
And I know...I know I told you
That baby, I don't got no heart sounds
If you feel for me, if you ask for more
I will shut you down, I will close the door
There's so much of me that sleeps within
And you aren't shouting so I can't listen
I feel deaf and I want to hear
if my heart still beats or if it's left me here
I think I'm blind but I want to see
if I'm as ugly as I seem
I can't move I'm paralyzed
to watch my life become a lie
Is this all I am, this hopeless fraud,
promising I can see, hear, and I can walk?

This is Your Line of My Song

05.10.11

When your home is far away
we have to listen to the stars that say
to look up
I say look up
You won't lose who you are
and you won't lose where you were
if you just look up
I said look up
if the stars are over head or over home
You are never alone.

Silence Sits on Me

Ask and I'll give you my heart to break it
But you won't ask, so you can't take it
Something's happening inside of me
Stones are where my heart is s'posed to be
No one's coming to save me from it
Eventually I'll die of it
Before me stretches an empty path
I'll reap the future I know I have
I trekked into the desert blindly
And I may have lost myself to winding roads
Watch the walls crumble away
I keep thinking there's something to say
But the more I look for answers the more I lose my faith
The more I search for words the less I wanna say

Untitled

You don't stop to listen
and I'm watching myself choke on fears and inhibitions

I’m watching history as it falls of my old bookshelf
and repeats itself again that tale I wish weren’t part of myself

So I'll just say it

I'm worried because I don't think you listened when I told you not to care
I know I told you this would happen and you too it like a dare
Like yeah we'll just see, let's just try it and see

I'm worried because you talked me into doing something I definitely knew I shouldn't
I said no so many times- I said it would lead you on, and you said it couldn't
Well now I'm seeing you seeing me and I don't like the way you're staring
I told you not get attached to me because you can't change the skin I'm wearing
Do you remember this skin as being warm that night?
Let me tell you, sir, it's cold as ice tonight

And I think there's someone warm enough to bring me back to life and thaw me out
I think a kiss could give me breath again and someone will be able to draw me out
But I know now it's not you, and I knew before that it wasn't you
I told you I'd seen what happens when I lead someone on and you
Just laughed it off, claiming the tables would be turned and I'd be chasing you
A little voice in my head wished I hadn't already seen me facing you
And leaving you behind like the ghosts of nightmares I keep killing off
Did you think I didn't have the experience to did your killing job?

Here's what I think
You don't realize how easy it is to be cold when I have no heartbeat
Feel my icy hand slap you across the face and remind you not to leap for me
Don't take a step of faith for this because there's no invisible stairs
You're just being stupid and you'll fall, because that's just invisible thin air
And I can hear it in your voice and I'm seeing it in your eyes
That my hands on him are connecting the dots of that lie
I think you've been constructing about how there's some kind of we now
And these observations of you are pushing me to consider how
I can get someone else to wrap his arms more tightly around me
to reinforce walls hiding my inside self screaming
"I need you to back off" because you're greatly mistaken
About who you are to be because I wasn't faking
When I said I wasn't going to care about you at all
I know that sounds fucked up but you have to admit I didn't lie at all
I was totally honest about how I would treat you
Like nothing happened and I've done just that but you
Seem like you were expecting more and it's making me grab onto something strong
to hold onto while your waves crash and I let my body say you're wrong
So I lean into him and feel your eyes are blazing into me
But I ignore you because he's just as cold as I am, and I hope you'll simply read
What my body language says and I turn away from you
and face someone else so you'll get more than just a clue
That you need to let me go, and I was right all along
That you let yourself think too far ahead, and you were wrong

Because I want him...her...anyone else
I want what you aren't and I want you to forget what you felt
Because that night as I was hesitant you explained I wasn't just anyone so it was okay
and I froze. Because I was thinking 'You could be anyone and this would be the same'
There's a good time, having fun, and then there's just usin you
I'm not sure I've crossed the line and don't I already know if I have to argue?

watch me turn my back and walk away so I can help you visualize

If my words don't reach you I don't know how to make you realize

That I'm not Wonder Woman, Amazonian strong
I'm just broken...and it's nobody's fault
But you won't be able to fix what you didn't break
Believe me, I've been watching myself carve out my heart and serve it up on a plate
To my demons who drink the blood my heart struggles to beat
This heart's so completely fucked up that it can't compete
With the demons and ghosts packing snow in my veins
With the memories and stench of everything about yesterday

Write down that I'm wrong and I'll fold it up real small
I'll jam it in my heart and pretend it makes me strong
But all the crumpled notes and all that bloody history
turns into the blood that's running through my arteries

What you're feeling for isn't a whole woman at all
I've been told I'm part ghost and that explains nearly all
Of what you've seen and what I am
and how I act and why I dance
Away from questions long overdue
toward any and all conviction to hide from you

Performed at Spring Quarter Scratch, May 2011

There is a Triangle...

And it is impossible to complete.

She Left You Here to Burn

She called last Saturday night, and said she didn't call to fight
but she needed out
And as your knees hit the concrete floor she said she couldn't tell you more
there's nothing to tell

I'm watchin her take you down to the Valley of the Shadow

I'm watchin her take you down a road you don't wanna follow

She's a-twistin you up inside, and I think she's so full of lies

that she left you here to burn, I think she left you here to burn

And she's a-cryin on your shoulder, because she told you not to hold her

I think she's so full of lies, I think she's so full of lies

She called you yesterday just to talk about her day
and you remember
She starts goin on and on about the crap that's goin wrong
but all you can see is that she's gone

I'm watchin her take you down to the Valley of the Shadow

I'm watchin her take you down a road you don't wanna follow

She's a-twistin you up inside, and I think she's so full of lies

that she left you here to burn, I think she left you here to burn

And she's a-cryin on your shoulder, because she told you not to hold her

I think she's so full of lies, I think she's so full of lies

When she calls you hang up the phone; gotta cut that rope that ties that stone
around your neck to pull you down
but she's got you in her grip, and you can't let it start to slip
or she'll be gone

I'm watchin her take you down to the Valley of the Shadow
I'm watchin her take you down a road you don't wanna follow
She's a-twistin you up inside, and I think she's so full of lies
that she left you here to burn, I think she left you here to burn
And she's a-cryin on your shoulder, because she told you not to hold her
I think she's so full of lies, I think she's so full of lies

You Don't Stop to Listen

Still you don't stop to listen

and I'm watching myself choke on fears and inhibitions

I'm watching history as it falls off my old bookshelf 

and repeats itself again that tale I wish weren't part of myself

So you're making me feel bad because you don't like a critic

but I have to change this time around and I think the truth is worth it

And you wouldn't know 'cause you've worked hard to not know me

But I've been here before and watched my world fall down around me

So go ahead, be mad at me, make me feel like shit

Beating me makes you feel better, but unlike you I'll take it.

Write down that I'm wrong and I'll fold it up real small

I'll jam it in my heart and pretend it makes me strong

But all the crumpled notes and all that bloody history

turns into the blood that's running through my arteries

Eventually all that pain teaches a lesson

The Girl Who Gave a Damn becomes a woman to be reckoned with

Loneliness Heartbreak

She cries herself to sleep thinkin' about it

wonderin if she'll ever find herself without

and it's eating her at night, infecting her insides

it's made her heart its meal, so there's nothing she can feel

except that loneliness heartbreak

I said that loneliness heartache

There must be something wrong with her outsides

betraying ugly emptiness inside

She said "I wish I didn't think this is all there is for me

But isn't twenty years enough to find someone to love?"

There's only loneliness heartbreak

call her Miss Lonely and Heartache'd

There hasn't been a day she's not reminded

how alone she is and how bad the night is

She wraps her arms around herself

and repeats the lie that they all tell

"Alone today but not someday

keep your chin up there's still someday"

But she's been saying it now for years

and she thinks someday has disappeared

so she turns her face to the wall

and lets the tears silently fall

She'll be alone tomorrow like tonight

Time to blow out her candle lights.

Sometimes You Cross My Mind

012411

Have you ever seen that photograph of you and I
holding close on graduation night?
Do you ever wonder what it woulda been like
if it had been a different time?
You never told me, and I never guessed
You never asked me, and I never said
And sometimes it crosses my mind
That we coulda had a story, you and I

A thousand miles away I'm movin' on
From a thousand lies we told under the sun
You always were that one who got away
But now I know I'm better off today
Without you here, without you there
As a regret I made into a nightmare
From the past there's no escape
so I think I'm lucky I got away

but Have you ever seen that photograph of you and I
holding close on graduation night?
Do you ever wonder what it woulda been like
if it had been a different time?
You never told me, and I never guessed
You never asked me, and I never said
And sometimes it crosses my mind
That we coulda had a story, you and I

A thousand times I've seen our story, Trey
and a thousand times I've died in different ways
Maybe I dodged your bullet years ago
But it's your memory I can't let go of
So I might be here, but sometimes I'm there
In your arms and I'd think of where
I'd be without you in my life
if there were no story of you and I

Well have you ever seen that photograph of you and I
Holding close on graduation night?
Do you ever wonder what it woulda been like
If it had been a different time?
You never told me, and I never guessed
You never asked me, and I never said
And sometimes it crosses my mind
That we could had a story, you and I

Christina Taylor

I'm sick of this churning and all of this yearning
and why are you hiding so I take the firing?
Bullets from the sky
rain down on her life
Tell me how to find, tell me what to look for
Shield her from the rain, say it's only danger
hunting us to death, counting every breath
Save her from the blood, the rivers they are running
Off with her address, gone to tell the press
The world is rolling off the edge

These papers are piling and someone is dialing
But my phone is broken like my heart was stolen
Bullets from the sky
rain down on her life
Tell me not to run, tell me to find him
Shield her from the rain, say it's only danger
Hunting us to death, counting every breath
save her from the blood
the rivers they are running
Off with her address, gone to tell the press
the world has tumbled off the edge

The world has tumbled off the edge...

She's Something of a Legend...

Dear Mom,

I just thought I'd write to you and tell you what your influence has meant to me over the twenty years I've been alive. We could start with the fact that you decided to homeschool me (and the rest of your kids), which has been a source of my passion for learning, my academic achievements, and my desire to succeed in high school and now college. Or we could begin with your commitment to supporting me in all my endeavors; from coming to my softball games, to seeing my art shows, to flying to Washington with me as I competed for a scholarship, you've always been right there, encouraging me. I could talk about your teaching me practical skills like baking and sewing that I'm constantly using these days to patch my jeans, repair my sheets, and make my own dinners. Or I could mention that you encouraged me to follow a healthy lifestyle by holding me to higher standards, and teaching me to enjoy the outdoors. Perhaps I should start with your fantastic teaching abilities and patience, or maybe I'd better begin with your smile and how I love to hear you tell stories of when you were young. Oh! Maybe I could start with you reading Anne of Green Gables to Mary and I, and how I still love to hear you read. There are so many starting points, so many amazing things you've done for me. But I think I should start on a Sunday when I was six or seven.

I don't remember a whole lot about this particular Sunday. I'm only thinking it was a Sunday because I was in Sunday school. I remember you were teaching my Sunday school class and you gave some kind of invitation. I think I raised my hand and said I wanted to do that. You told me we should talk later, and we did. We were having some kind of family dinner that night with our relatives, but you and I sat in the car before going in and you talked with me about this important decision I wanted to make. Eventually you and I prayed together and I had the most inexpressible feeling of joy, because I'd just prayed for Jesus to be a part of my life.

The joy that I felt in that moment  is something I search for every day. It's something I strive for. Even though my faith has been put through quite a battle, that joy is something I still cling to.

Mom, you brought me to that realization that I needed Jesus, and always, always you've spoken Truth into my life (even when I didn't want to hear it). You are the kind of mom I can boast about. You taught me how to bake cookies, pies, and how to make fudge. You showed me our secret recipes for Swedish meatballs. You make me guidebooks if I'm taking a roadtrip. You send me home with molasses cookies and fudge to share with my friends at college; you send me care packages. You have the most amazing hospitality and skill as a hostess, that I hope to aspire to. You've always welcomed my friends into your home, fed them, given them a place to spend the night. Just the other day you made homemade tomato soup just because Kole and Chase were coming over. You throw a great party, and make sure everyone has a good time.

I hope you know you're something of a legend. Your homeschooling, your cooking, your dedication, your humor, your love. You're a mom to everyone, but I'm lucky enough to be able to say you're my mom. It's something I truly appreciate every day.

I love you, Mom.


-Katy

Twilight and The Vampire Diaries

Stefan: broody brood brood
Edward: broody brood broody brood

Hmm. This is suspicious. Both Twilight and The Vampire Diaries feature a brunette girl in high school being romanced by a vamp. Coincidence?


There is no defense for the blonde, vegetarian vamp hero who is constantly trying to save his brown-haired girlfriend from the dangers of evil vamps and werewolves. The only defense I have to offer is that the author of the books TVD is based on wrote her series years before Stephenie Meyer started writing her poorly constructed novels. One might even argue that she read the TVD series and decided to copy it, and it was unrecognizable because Meyer’s creative writing skills are so unbelievably terrible. (Example: "My mechanic is busy these days, busy running around as a giant wolf,” says Bella of Jacob.)

Current plan for avoiding being compared to Twilight: lots of oil, and naked legs; also a girl in a corset sitting in a guy's crotch with another guy's head in her crotch.

"If you think you are not conceited, it means you are very conceited indeed." -C.S. Lewis

I was reading C.S. Lewis' Mere Christianity this morning, which by the way is a masterpiece. I highly recommend it. But don't read it if you can't take an honest look at yourself. Today I was reading the few pages on pride, and what do you know, Lewis has some challenging things to say about it.

According to Lewis, Pride "is the complete anti-God state of mind."

Wow, that seems pretty strong right? Yeah, that's what I thought too, but he makes a strong case. Lewis lays out that Pride is essentially competition. Pride isn't about having the best car, it's about having a better car than the other guys out there. Pride isn't about getting good grades, it's about having better grades than other students. Pride isn't about feeling good about a job well done, Pride is actually putting yourself above everyone else and thinking that's natural and you're better than other people. Lewis argues that it is Pride, more than any other vice, that causes trouble in this world of ours. "Greed may drive men into competition if there is not enough to go round; but the proud man, even when he has got more than he can possibly want, will try to get still more just to assert his power."

Not only does Pride exacerbate other vices we have, but this competitiveness is the most awful thing. "Other vices may sometimes bring people together: you may find good fellowship and jokes and friendliness among drunken people or unchaste people. But Pride always means enmity- it is enmity." Lewis is saying that Pride is essentially making yourself an enemy to your fellow man, and it even makes you an enemy to God. "As long as you are proud you cannot know God. A proud man is always looking down on things and people: an of course, as long as you are looking down, you cannot see something above you."

So here is where it starts to get interesting. You can hear all of this stuff and go, "Ugh, jeez all these proud people are ruining the world!" Wait for it...wait for it... it's you.  You're the proud person. And in Lewis' view, the people who are so proud they can't see anything but themselves, let alone God, even though they claim Christianity, these people are "worshiping an imaginary God." These people say they love God, but really all they care about is the approval they think they're getting for being not such a great Christian, but being a better Christian than someone else.

When we think so much of ourselves, especially as Christians, it influences every area of our lives. Soon we're  becoming "better" people in all kinds of virtues. We're more kind, more self-controlled, more generous, just because it makes us better than others, not because we really care. It infects everything. "Pride is a spiritual cancer: it eats up the very possibility of love, or contentment, or even common sense."

So, from what I can tell right now, we're all pretty much doomed. This Pride issue seems to run deep, and already I can see these qualities in myself if I'm honest. I mean, I take pride in my academic achievements, and give no credit where it's truly due- to God. This Pride that we have doesn't even hide itself away because our culture tells us we should be proud of ourselves, and think much of ourselves. As Lewis puts it, we tell ourselves that "All I have done has been done to satisfy my own ideals-or my artistic conscience- or the traditions of my family- or, in a word, because I'm That Kind of Chap."

Now it's clear. How often do you think of yourself as That Kind of Chap? I'll admit I do. I'm a much better person than that Hitler guy, and that dude over there doesn't do community service like I do. We think of ourselves in comparison to others, and we need to realize this type of comparison is unhealthy, and makes all of humankind our enemies to be competed with, and Pride turns God into this pat-on-the-back machine that's really there to congratulate us. It makes everything about us.  So we're doomed, right?

Well maybe there's hope. "To love and admire anything outside yourself is to take one step away from utter spiritual ruin," Lewis says. God wants to know us, and our constant looking down is keeping us from looking up towards God. We need to realize that God is bigger, greater, perfecter, than us, and we'll never compare. We can't compete with that. Humility isn't about being poor or sad about yourself. Humility is about putting other people first. It means taking your eyes off yourself for two seconds and taking an interest in someone else. Lewis points out these people are easy to recognize because they're interested in what you have to say. "If you do dislike [a humble man] it will be because you feel a little envious of anyone who seems to enjoy life so easily."

I don't know about you, but all this pride stuff really made me recognize in myself a lot of what Lewis was talking about. It's time we put others first, and not because we want to put others first better than anyone else. It's because God loves us all. He really doesn't love you more than He loves me, and He doesn't love me more than He loves anyone else. We should stop pretending He does.

They Call You the Heartbreak Thief

07.08.10

I'm bored of you, I'm sick of you
I can't believe I listened to you
Filled up my head with pretty trash
Though you were beggin' me back
Thought you'd turned a corner, turned a leaf
But you're nothin' but a heartbreak thief

I see what you really are
I see through your costume make up
I see through this sick facade
You can take off the White Knight get up
You never lied to me, but you cried to me
Told me you need me
You're a liar.

I'm bored with this, I'm sick of you
And no I can't, won't believe you
Filled up my head with beautiful lies
Somehow I didn't think of what you had to hide
Thought you'd changed for real, but no change at all
You're what we call a heartbreak thief

I see what you really are
I see through your costume make up
I see through this sick facade
You can take off the White Knight get up
You never lied to me, but you cried to me
Told me you needed me
You're a liar.

And I'm still here alone, still searching for someone to love
But ain't nobody gonna take me, I'm all broken down
With my broken heart
You heartbreak thief