When I Run Through Fountains

I say that I can't feel my heart beat
but I can feel its ghost beat
drums that make my feet
dance again

I sometimes think the wind blows
just to tell me it's cold
enough to warm up my old
smile again

I'm feeling this ice cold
river of a rainbow
falling over my own
shadow of myself

And when I stand in the sun
I see my shadow fall down
and through it shines bright sun
in in a heart on the ground

Is Broken Really Beautiful?

I feel my fear of what I think you are

like my irrational phobia of the dark

Wildly backing out from the start

Like an emotional reaction pre-broken heart

I tried...I tried to warn you
that I would only let you down
And I know...I know I told you
That baby, I don't got no heart sounds
If you feel for me, if you ask for more
I will shut you down, I will close the door
There's so much of me that sleeps within
And you aren't shouting so I can't listen
I feel deaf and I want to hear
if my heart still beats or if it's left me here
I think I'm blind but I want to see
if I'm as ugly as I seem
I can't move I'm paralyzed
to watch my life become a lie
Is this all I am, this hopeless fraud,
promising I can see, hear, and I can walk?

This is Your Line of My Song

05.10.11

When your home is far away
we have to listen to the stars that say
to look up
I say look up
You won't lose who you are
and you won't lose where you were
if you just look up
I said look up
if the stars are over head or over home
You are never alone.

Silence Sits on Me

Ask and I'll give you my heart to break it
But you won't ask, so you can't take it
Something's happening inside of me
Stones are where my heart is s'posed to be
No one's coming to save me from it
Eventually I'll die of it
Before me stretches an empty path
I'll reap the future I know I have
I trekked into the desert blindly
And I may have lost myself to winding roads
Watch the walls crumble away
I keep thinking there's something to say
But the more I look for answers the more I lose my faith
The more I search for words the less I wanna say

Untitled

You don't stop to listen
and I'm watching myself choke on fears and inhibitions

I’m watching history as it falls of my old bookshelf
and repeats itself again that tale I wish weren’t part of myself

So I'll just say it

I'm worried because I don't think you listened when I told you not to care
I know I told you this would happen and you too it like a dare
Like yeah we'll just see, let's just try it and see

I'm worried because you talked me into doing something I definitely knew I shouldn't
I said no so many times- I said it would lead you on, and you said it couldn't
Well now I'm seeing you seeing me and I don't like the way you're staring
I told you not get attached to me because you can't change the skin I'm wearing
Do you remember this skin as being warm that night?
Let me tell you, sir, it's cold as ice tonight

And I think there's someone warm enough to bring me back to life and thaw me out
I think a kiss could give me breath again and someone will be able to draw me out
But I know now it's not you, and I knew before that it wasn't you
I told you I'd seen what happens when I lead someone on and you
Just laughed it off, claiming the tables would be turned and I'd be chasing you
A little voice in my head wished I hadn't already seen me facing you
And leaving you behind like the ghosts of nightmares I keep killing off
Did you think I didn't have the experience to did your killing job?

Here's what I think
You don't realize how easy it is to be cold when I have no heartbeat
Feel my icy hand slap you across the face and remind you not to leap for me
Don't take a step of faith for this because there's no invisible stairs
You're just being stupid and you'll fall, because that's just invisible thin air
And I can hear it in your voice and I'm seeing it in your eyes
That my hands on him are connecting the dots of that lie
I think you've been constructing about how there's some kind of we now
And these observations of you are pushing me to consider how
I can get someone else to wrap his arms more tightly around me
to reinforce walls hiding my inside self screaming
"I need you to back off" because you're greatly mistaken
About who you are to be because I wasn't faking
When I said I wasn't going to care about you at all
I know that sounds fucked up but you have to admit I didn't lie at all
I was totally honest about how I would treat you
Like nothing happened and I've done just that but you
Seem like you were expecting more and it's making me grab onto something strong
to hold onto while your waves crash and I let my body say you're wrong
So I lean into him and feel your eyes are blazing into me
But I ignore you because he's just as cold as I am, and I hope you'll simply read
What my body language says and I turn away from you
and face someone else so you'll get more than just a clue
That you need to let me go, and I was right all along
That you let yourself think too far ahead, and you were wrong

Because I want him...her...anyone else
I want what you aren't and I want you to forget what you felt
Because that night as I was hesitant you explained I wasn't just anyone so it was okay
and I froze. Because I was thinking 'You could be anyone and this would be the same'
There's a good time, having fun, and then there's just usin you
I'm not sure I've crossed the line and don't I already know if I have to argue?

watch me turn my back and walk away so I can help you visualize

If my words don't reach you I don't know how to make you realize

That I'm not Wonder Woman, Amazonian strong
I'm just broken...and it's nobody's fault
But you won't be able to fix what you didn't break
Believe me, I've been watching myself carve out my heart and serve it up on a plate
To my demons who drink the blood my heart struggles to beat
This heart's so completely fucked up that it can't compete
With the demons and ghosts packing snow in my veins
With the memories and stench of everything about yesterday

Write down that I'm wrong and I'll fold it up real small
I'll jam it in my heart and pretend it makes me strong
But all the crumpled notes and all that bloody history
turns into the blood that's running through my arteries

What you're feeling for isn't a whole woman at all
I've been told I'm part ghost and that explains nearly all
Of what you've seen and what I am
and how I act and why I dance
Away from questions long overdue
toward any and all conviction to hide from you

Performed at Spring Quarter Scratch, May 2011