Restart

In the last few months I've come to realize that I'm on a downward slope heading unstoppably, at 120 mph, toward a train, which is going to slam into me, and I'm going to crash. Hard. I've tried to turn the situation around. I've tried to regain control of my life, but it just keeps spiraling downward, faster and faster. Until last week I thought that crashing was inevitable. That there wasn't anything I could do to stop it. The train was just going to keep coming.

But I've changed my mind. I've made some pretty bad choices in these last four months. I turned my back on God, because I thought He had abandoned me. I never left my belief in God, just my faith in him. I tried to find my own way in the world. But I just became more and more lost in the darkness. I couldn't find the path, and I was reduced to wandering around in circles, looking for the right way to go, waiting for that train. No more. I'm tired of feeling sorry for myself. I'm tired of being tired all the time. I'm tired of always having a poor self-image, and feeling worthless and alone every second of every day. I'm tired of being miserable. And I am so, so tired of being insecure and Godless.

Before I walked away, before I abandoned God, I felt secure and safe. I felt as though nothing could ever hurt me, and I didn't have to be afraid. This past year I've been increasingly stressed and insecure. There were days, far and few between to be sure, when I wasn't sure why I was still alive. Being dead inside, why wasn't my body dead as well? I've just been sitting on the train tracks, waiting to be hit. But now I realize that I'm not tied to the tracks, and I am capable of stepping off the tracks, and away from danger. The train is not inevitable. I felt trapped where I was, like I couldn't move, even if I had wanted to. I was too busy being miserable to realize that I'd given up trying to get away.

But no more and never again. I'm going to try to turn 180 degrees. Back to God, and away from hopelessness. I have to remember to look up, to keep my eyes on the goal, on God. I want my self back. I want to be me again; and the me I know is happy and optimistic, friendly and caring, passionate about things she believes in. This is who I want to be. And I am determined, that with God's help, I can do it. If you're reading this, and you're a Christian, whether you know me or not, will please pray for me? I think I'm in for a hard ride, full of a lot of spiritual warfare. Satan had me right where he wanted, and he'll fight hard to keep me there. The trouble is, I'll have to sit back and let God do the fighting for me. Anyway, thanks for listening.

Your blogger who's fighting for her life (figuritively, of course),

Katy