Letters to the Battlefield

I hear your voice over the telephone, 
and you won't say what's goin' on
You sound so sad, I wanna hold you tight, 
and tell you everything is gonna be alright
And I believe...that you'll come back to me
Oh I believe...that someday we will see
that we are where we're s'posed to be,
 and you'll be standing next to me

So when there's fire and they're dropping bombs
the world's exploding and everything is wrong
When there's so much pain that you can't talk
and you're so afraid the night's too long
When you's so tired you can't be strong
and you need someone to be your rock
and you wanna hold a hand to help you walk
close your eyes and play this song

I hear your voice over the telephone, 
and you won't say what's goin' on.
You sound so sad I wanna hold you tight, 
and tell you everything is gonna be alright
And I believe...that you'll come back to me
oh I believe...that someday we will see
that we are where we're s'posed to be, 
and you'll be standing next to me

If there's so much noise that you can't hear
or you think the end is drawing near
If you can't move there's too much fear
or you don't want anyone to see your tears
If the blood becomes too much to bear
or you wake up in the night with the nightmares
When you're holding onto nothing but a broken prayer
Listen to my voice and I'll protect you there

I hear your voice over the telephone
and you won't say what's goin' on
You sound so sad, I wanna hold you tight
and tell you everything is gonna be alright
'Cause I believe...that you'll come back to me
Oh I believe...that someday we will see
That we were where we're s'posed to be
and you'll be standing next to me

If you think the wrath of God is pouring down
and you're so lost you can't be found
When the  screaming is so effing loud
It's in your head, you can't keep it out
if your heart is silent and it cannot pound
If you're sinking in the sand and you're gonna drown
I want you to put your gun down
and focus on me, and on this sound

I hear your voice over the telephone
and you won't say what's goin' on
You sound so sad, I wanna hold you tight
and tell you everything is gonna be alright
And I believe...that you'll come back to me
Oh I believe...that someday we will see
That we were where we're s'posed to be
And you'll be standing next to me

Looking at me now with a great big grin
As the rain beats down to wash away our sins
The clouds will break and the sun will shine
So you tell them that you can't lie
'cause you promised me you'd come home fine

I hear your voice over the telephone

and you won't say what's goin' on

You sound so sad, I wanna hold you tight

and tell you everything is gonna be alright

And I believe...that you'll come back to me

Oh I believe...that someday we will see

That we were where we're s'posed to be

And you'll be standing next to me

Waiting

I don't think you know, what it's like to be alone.
As the world just goes on spinning, you stand alone and just get dizzy
Ice skates fly across the ice, tracing lines into the night
and I just stand here watching time go by...

Waiting to go home
Waiting to not be alone
Waiting for your arms around me
A warm embrace to hold me tightly
Give me your hand, tell me you love me
Kiss me hard, tell me you need me

'Cause I don't think you know, how I feel when I'm alone
As the world catches fire and ignites, you stand aside and die a bit inside
The trumpet man plays his blues so softly, and I think I feel your touch caress me
And I just stand here watching time go by...

Waiting to go home
Waiting to not be alone
Waiting for your arms around me
A warm embrace to hold me tightly
Give me your hand, tell me you love me
Kiss me hard, tell me you need me

No, I don't think you know, the chill of being alone
Everybody else so lovely, you drift along just feeling lonely
There's no stars the night is dark, empty, silent, like your heart
And I still stand here watching time go by...

Waiting to go home,
Waiting to not feel alone
Waiting for your arms around me
A warm embrace to hold me tightly
Give me your hand, tell me you love me
Kiss me hard, tell me you need me
Say that you're mine, say that you love me
Touch your cheek to mine and say that you can't breathe
Oh just say to me, just say to me, just say that you love me. 

Boys and Girls

We live in a time that tells us we should have a boy/girlfriend, a companion at all times. It's in every movie, every television show, every popular novel, every magazine. It's everywhere. There's this rumor someone started awhile back that you're really only half a person and your other half is out there somewhere and you'll be incomplete until you can find them. Honestly, what a stupid idea.

But boys and girls everywhere buy it!

Realize that you don't need to believe the rumor. You don't need someone else to complete you. You are an individual, a person already, you just refuse to realize it. Know who you are as an individual. That might sound silly, because how could you not know? But do you truly know you, or just who someone else wants you to be? If you're viewing yourself as incomplete, your perception is skewed and you don't know yourself.

You can't have a successful relationship with someone if you don't even know yourself. So hold off looking for love for awhile and focus on yourself. It sounds selfish, but you can't spend your life searching for someone to complete you when you're not even sure of your own identity.

Be the hero of your own life who doesn't need a love interest to complete you.

If You're Paranoid and Think Danger Might Find You, Read These Tips.

1. If your friends suggest that you all go check out a very dark, or very scary looking building, say no. Or at least turn on the lights when you explore.

2. If you enter a dark room and the light switch doesn’t work, leave immediately. Someone is trying to kill you.

3. If you absolutely must explore a dark creepy building, and your friend suggests splitting up, you should leave right away because a monster is about to start picking you off one by one

4. Everyone always drops their keys when trying to get in their car to run away from the villain. Just attach them to your wrist or neck with a lanyard and your death could be averted.

5. Just shell out the extra cash for bulletproof glass windows for your car and house and a nuclear bunker/panic room under your house. You’ll be much safer in times of danger when someone is trying to kill you.

6. When you pass through a deserted town on your road trip, keep going and do not stop. It’s deserted for a reason because someone/thing wants to kill anyone there.

7. When the power mysteriously goes out in your house, shut yourself in your nuclear bunker, someone is trying to kill you.

8. If you find that your house is built upon or near a cemetery, had previous inhabitants who went mad or committed suicide or died in some horrible fashion, move away immediately. This is one of the only situations in which your nuclear bunker will not keep you safe.

9. There might be someone lurking in the backseat of your car, so just check it out before you even get in the car. Use a flashlight to look through the windows, and keep your car clean, so you don’t mistake a scary person trying to kill you for a rumpled up blanket.

10. If your window mysteriously bangs open, be immediately on guard. It’s not just the wind, someone is trying to kill you.

11. If you find out you’re a descendent of someone who killed lots of people, rounded up vampires, burned witches at the stake, etc, lock yourself in your nuclear bunker and plan to live there the rest of your life because someone might try to kill you.

12. If your friend is bitten by a zombie, or hiding something during a zombie attack that might be a bite, don’t hold out hope for your friend. They’re already becoming a zombie and they will try to eat you just when you’ve barricaded yourself in a semi-safe spot.

13. If anyone suggests you split up, tell them to shut up. Splitting up will definitely get you killed. Faster than staying together anyways.

14. Be nice to everyone. Being mean to someone may incur wrath and vengeance, and they will try to kill you.

15. The danger is definitely not over if the sun hasn’t risen yet. If it’s night time, the bad guy is still around. And trying to kill you.

16. If you must explore deserted, creepy buildings do so in the day time. Horror strikes at night.

17. If you think the villain/monster chasing you will not give up after one night of terrorizing you, move to Alaska, there’s more daytime there.

18. If someone is chasing you, do not run up the stairs, and do not head for the top of the building. There is no escape from someone trying to kill you. Duh.

19. Remember that even though it looks like you’ve killed the monster, you probably haven’t. Don’t make sure by going up to it and poking it, or sticking your face into its face. This often leads to death. Instead, stand back and kill it several more times in various ways.

20. Standing on a grave, will make a hand come out of the ground that will grab your ankle.

21. If you’re seeing dead people, do not approach anyone’s bed. A hand will shoot out and grab your ankle.

22. If you see a stranger with a chainsaw, an ax, a knife, or any other weapon, do not let him anywhere near you. Even if he has Bud Light. He’s trying to kill you.

23. If it feels like you’re in a horror movie, think of yourself as the audience. Did you lock the front door? What would the audience be telling you right now? That you didn’t lock the windows or the back door and someone’s trying to kill you, that’s right. So go do that.

24. In fact, if you feel like you’re in a horror movie, skip locking the doors or windows and head straight for your nuclear bunker because someone’s trying to kill you.

25. If you’re not sure something’s dead, you’re not sure how to kill something/one, or you’re fighting zombies/vampires, behead them. It usually works.

26. If you’re in a situation where you’re not sure something’s dead, you’re not sure how to kill something/one, or you’re fighting zombies/vampires, don’t bother with fighting them, just hide in your nuclear bunker.

27. If you yell “hello” or “who’s there” into the darkness, something will answer you. By grabbing you and leaving your flashlight behind to fall on the ground.

28. Taking a shower at home, alone, in the dark, is always always a bad idea. This isn't a difficult concept. Unless you're in a nuclear bunker. Then it's fine.

29. If you really want to be safe, lock yourself in your nuclear bunker and live there. It’s not practical, and it’s anti-social, but so long as you have cable you’ll probably be mentally stable. Besides, someone could try to kill you, so it's safer to just stay there.Think about it. You'll survive zombie attacks, alien invasions, mysterious viruses that kill the entire population, rabid dogs, rabid people, monsters, a resurgence of the Black Death, the Happening, nuclear fallout, lepers, killer meteors, swine flue, and robots gone rogue, along with almost everything else.


PS. A friend just reviewed this list and reminded me that a normal nuclear bunker is not sufficient, as the earth's core could blow up, or you might have earthquake trouble. Keep in mind that this nuclear bunker should not be your average run of the mill nuclear bunker. It probably needs to be a buried spaceship with a drill attached to the nose so you can escape the earth's core blowing up. For the best protection bury it under the ocean floor. The pressure down there will hopefully crush anyone coming to kill you, and you'll have the added bonus of being very safe from just about everything. Except possibly Decepticons. And don't forget that you really do need cable so you'll know if scientists declare that the earth's core is going to blow up or if Decepticons are roaming the planet.

What's an Angel?

I've been working at an elementary school in Seattle with the Children's Literacy Project (CLP), which sends tutors to schools to work with kids. I'm a tutor, and I'll be posting exerpts from my CLP journal.


After lunch the kids came back and I worked on lists of vocabulary with them. Most of them could read the words pretty well, although I had to remind them to sound out a word here or there. I drilled a few kids on these lists before discovering that some of them didn’t know what the words they were reading actually meant. After that I had them read the list and then define each word. I explained words to every kid save one. She was a tiny thing with beautiful brown eyes and a haircut that reminded me of Ramona, a character in a book by Beverly Cleary I’d read over and over when I was this girl’s age. Her dark bangs looked to have been recently cut jaggedly across her forehead. She sat down and read each of the words precisely, and then gave me a series of detailed definitions and examples for each word on the list. She told me the word "moist" meant "a type of of weather, like precipitation" and pronounced each syllable of precipitation so matter-of-factly that I had to grin.The list had both “angle” and “angel” in it, which every child thus far had confused. She breezed right through it. When we reached “angel” again for definitions, she had to think for a moment.


“An angel is… it’s…” she faltered, then continued. “An angel is someone with spirit.”

Just before a correction jumped out of my mouth I stopped myself, unable to say anything. Finally I said,

“Right, that’s right. Next one?” and we continued on. Her words stuck with me for the rest of the day. I don't know about you, but I can't think of anyone I know whom I would describe as an Angel without saying that they have spirit as well.

Justin Bieber isn't for Second Graders

I've been working at an elementary school in Seattle with the Children's Literacy Project (CLP), which sends tutors to schools to work with kids. I'm a tutor, and I'll be posting exerpts from my CLP journal.

One girl I worked with couldn't have cared less about the vocabulary words we were reviewing. The second-grader had a larger-than-life crush on teen sensation Justin Bieber, a YouTube star turned musical protégé. I’m not sure how it came up, but she said something about one of the words and related it to Justin Bieber in some obscure way. As she said his name she leapt out of her chair, clutching her heart and wailed “Oh Justin Bieber, I’m going to marry you!” I was so surprised I wasn’t sure what to do. I tried to convince her to move on to the next word, but she would have none of it. She continued carrying on about Justin Bieber for some time before she settled down. I fought to keep a straight face all the while. The next word was “cattle”. I asked her what it meant, but she ignored me.


“You don’t know what it means, do you?” I asked, in an effort to get her to speak. She crossed her arms and looked at me.

“Sure I do. Like Justin Bieber is a cattle.” I tried to contain myself, but failed. I laughed and said,

“I think the only thing they have in common is brown eyes”. Then I explained that cattle meant a bunch of cows, and she laughed too. When we got to the word “single” she again jumped out of her chair and pointed her finger high to the sky and began to sway back and forth singing Beyonce’s hit song, “Single Ladies (Put a Ring on It)”. She’d even memorized the choreography from the music video. I was really beginning to like this girl until one of her classmates sat down at the table next to her. She immediately made a face and said,

“Jenna is so fat, I don’t want her sitting next to me.” My mouth dropped open, and I was once again struck dumb by a second-grader. While the other little girl isn’t skinny, she certainly isn’t morbidly obese.

“We don’t talk like that to other people,” I said to her, but she ignored me and continued to mutter under her breath about Jenna. Jenna was distracting her, she couldn’t concentrate with Jenna there, and Jenna was dumb. All the while little Jenna said nothing, just concentrated on her work. When she said Jenna was dumb, I was done listening.

“Knock it off, quit being so nasty,” I snapped. “That’s rude.” She looked me right in the eyes with a condescending sneer. I hadn’t expected this previously bubbly girl to display such nastiness. “What did she do to you?” I asked.

“We were best friends,” she said, and indeed I’d seen them playing together inseparably just last week, “until she said I was cuckoo, and so now I’m going to be mean to her.”

The bell rang and every kid leapt to the door. The bell always seems to intercede at important moments. I walked home with a furrowed brow, thinking about what she said. It made me think about the influence media has on kids. She listened religiously to Justin Bieber songs, which are rife with messages to girls about having boyfriends. Beyonce’s music is lovely, but she doesn’t perform in 2nd grade classrooms for a reason. She’d hadn’t mentioned the TV shows she watched, but I was reminded of the statistic I’d read recently that ABC’s show Desperate Housewives is the most popular broadcast-network television show for kids ages 9-12. I wondered if this girl’s animosity toward Jenna could be due in part to negative media influencing her behavior.

The topic for my Psych term paper was born. I will be exploring the negative effects of media on children for my big final Psych paper.

Our Culture Calls Screaming Men Dancing Bears

I sit at my desk and contemplate the Great Matters of Life. I have not yet typed a word. It is not that I have no words to write, it is that they are all piling up in my fingers, and I do not know which to type first. In my mind a jumble of words and ideas and angry tirades threatens to spill out onto the page. I picture Frantz Fanon writing in Black Skin, White Masks, “…there are too many idiots on this earth (177).” and I think he must have felt much as I do now; he is unsure of exactly how to begin his dissection, so he slices the entire carcass open. He didn’t write because he was asked, he wrote because someone must cast down the idiocies, and “someone” should not be anyone but yourself.


In Black Skin, White Masks, Fanon quotes Aimé Césaire’s Notebook of a Return to My Native Land: “And above all, beware, my body and my soul too, beware of crossing your arms in the sterile attitude of the spectator, because life is not a spectacle, because a sea of sorrows is not a proscenium, because a man who screams is not a dancing bear (164).” There is an idiocy that our society adheres to today, one I cannot escape the shame of knowing personally, one which it is difficult to exempt any one of us from it is so pervasive. Césaire’s warning has not reached our ears; we have crossed our arms, and we no longer see screaming men all around us, because we confuse them for the dancing bears. We use pain, and blood, and violence as entertainment, and consequently the sterile attitude of the spectator is too easy to assume, inevitable even. I will explore here the taste for violence we have cultivated and the effects of such a culture on society.

We have made life into a spectacle. The accusation is incontrovertible. Cameras follow “real families” around, record their drama, and broadcast it on television; we have an entire city in southern Nevada dedicated to providing spectacular shows to tourists; tabloids jump off the shelves if they include juicy details of someone’s life. The list goes on, but perhaps the best indicator of our addiction to spectacles is the level of violence our culture devours. We have a film industry that thrives on bringing spectacles to every major city in the world. Industries do not exist unless they sell a product the market wants to consume, and this one is feeding a ravenous crowd- it made a record-breaking 10.6 billion dollars last year in ticket sales alone (Briggs, 2010). The film industry exists to make a proscenium out of a sea of sorrows, but Hollywood’s obsession with carnage is particularly ghastly. Action films ablaze with gunfire baptize us in gore; horror films portray our worst nightmares, turn pain into a form of entertainment, and are incomplete without some form of human dismemberment.

Take the Saw series for example. The Saw movies exhibit some of the most gruesome scenes to ever grace a theater screen. Its horror may not be unprecedented, but its market appeal is. Audience infatuation has prompted not one, not two, but five sequels of what one critic reviewed as an exhibition of endless creative evil. In one scene, “Spread-eagled on a rack of sorts, Jeff's primary ‘opponent’ in his game screams and writhes as his arms and legs and finally his head are slowly twisted off his body (Isaac, 2006).” The camera doesn’t politely turn away, but shoots forward to let the audience have a better look. Our lack of protestation to horror of this kind is nothing short of disturbing. We not only neglect to object to the spectacle nature of the violence we have just watched, but it is our patronage that clamors for more with an unquenchable appetite. The intensity and the quantity of vicious brutality currently available for public consumption is mind-boggling.

We have become so used to bloodshed that we have difficulty recognizing our own passive acceptance of it as part of our culture. If the twisted bodies and bloodied limbs of Hollywood films have not yet moved you, compare this form of entertainment to that of the Romans’ Colosseum. Picture the spectators of Ancient Rome; they sit on the edge of their seats as the gladiators circle and jab at each other. The warriors cross blades, one trips the other, he draws blood, and the crowd gives a deafening roar as it takes to its feet in excitement. Blood sprays, a head rolls, and the show is over. Today we look at the Colosseum and say to each other, “Ah, it was a different time. They killed people for entertainment, can you imagine? How savage!” and pat each other on the back for having greatly advanced society. Yet even the Romans cannot match our unique affection for violence. The spectators of the Colosseum, who paid nothing for their show, could be seated almost an entire football field from the action (Hopkins, 2009). We sit in a theater seat we have paid to sit in and stare at a larger-than-life screen as the camera rushes closer to a man whose head is being crushed by a slab of concrete as he screams. The entire audience is staring into his eyes as brain matter and skull fragments spurt toward the camera and the life fades from him. In the real world this experience might cause post-traumatic stress disorder, but not in the dark safety of the cinema. We leave satisfied and we buy a ticket to the exhibition next month. What’s that you say? “It’s just a movie with actors, it’s not real”? Actors do not diminish the problem, they exacerbate it. How could we possibly belittle death any more, make it any more of a spectacle, than by saying it’s not real?

Our society has not advanced compared to the Ancient Romans when it comes to our bloodlust. In fact if anything, our demand for gore has been recognized on a level possibly never seen before in recorded history. Although classic literature is sopping with violence, and wars and executions and bloody deaths have been a way of life for thousands of years, no society has ever made murder an up-close-and-personal event before. Our society has so long been immersed in violence, we have forgotten it was once unnatural to be so blood-soaked, and so we raise our children in this culture without thought to the consequences. In our society the average child will have witnessed at least 16,000 murders and 200,000 violent acts on television by age 18 (American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry, 2009). We teach them death is actors on a screen, not reality. Death is a silly Wile E. Coyote dropping dynamite on a Road Runner. The violence of 200,000 murders, hate crimes, gory brawls, dismemberments, and shootings isn’t traumatizing for our children; after all, we have taught them to view death with the sterile attitude of the spectator.

The massive quantities of blood in 300 should make us nauseous; the war crimes depicted in Tears of the Sun should make us close our eyes and leave the theater; the body count of Kill Bill should have us protesting. Instead we call for more. Instead we sit bewitched, begging for more dancing bears. Now that we have examined the culture of violence we have fostered, let us explore the consequences of such a society. What is the disease that infects a society which pays to be made to cry, made to fear, made to laugh, made to feel? A society that inundates its members with carnage creates a society of spectators. Our spectator status relegates us to a life on the sidelines, so anesthetized to the plight of a world of screaming men that we pay an industry to inject us with the catharsis we have difficulty achieving on our own.

Our culture puts humans in a spectator state, it creates emotionally ambivalent people desensitized to the pain and suffering of other human beings. We have trouble seeing hatred in violence, or fear in war crimes, or horror in the body count of an earthquake that drowns thousands dead in rubble. To us the news is just movement on a screen, it’s not real. Not only are we emotionally unattached, but we see life from the perspective of spectators, unable to join the activity of the world at large. We can cheer from the sidelines for our favorite team, and we can boo at an umpire who makes a poor judgment call, but we see ourselves as entirely inactive members of global society. We are virtually powerless in this cycle that makes us spectators; we must consume violence to make us feel less numb, while it further desensitizes us to the true violence of the world around us.

It may seem as though there is no escape from our dismal destiny of desensitization, but there may yet be hope. Although we seem trapped in a vicious cycle, we are not yet beyond saving. We must throw off the guise of the spectator and take up the mantle of the man of action. My father once told me that a man cannot steer a parked car, and I wondered what he meant. In light of our spectatorship it becomes clear. All too often we are content to park our cars at the drive-in movie theater and remain complacent with our status as immobile spectators, but it is crucial that we put the key in the ignition and choose action over stationary passivity. Will we allow our humanity to be pulled from our own hands without a fight, or will we cling to its last shred, and can we still reclaim it as our own? We must claim our emotionality, our humanity, in our reality instead of searching for catharsis in film. We must be men and women of action instead of inaction. We must fight with tooth and nail the tremendous power society holds over us, and break free of the indoctrination we receive from it.

I sit at my desk and examine the final prayer of Fanon, “O my body, always make me a man who questions!” and I frown. I know there is a spectator in us all, and “a man who questions” sounds like a spectator. A spectator can question a referee’s call, he can inquire as to why genocide happens, he can ask how he can help the victims of the earthquake in Haiti, but he cannot actually involve himself- it’s not his place, he’s a spectator. Fanon suggests we should question, but I say we must take action. Go ahead and ask your questions politely, “Excuse me, pardon me, but why have you chained up that dancing bear?” I shall stride into the arena and cut the chains of the screaming man.

What's With the Vampires, You Ask?

Vampires are the big thing right now. We put them in film, books, and tv shows; they're one of the biggest topics of debate since the presidential election; actors who play vamps are some of the most talked-about, followed-by-paparazzi, sighed-over-by-young-girls people since Brad Pitt was 30. The world goes gaga for vampires, and when people ask why, what's so special about them, I'm usually surprised. People think blood and biting and sucking blood is gross, okay I get that, but that's not the appeal of vampires.

These creatures of darkness will never lose their appeal because they are us. We see ourselves in vamps. They represent the human struggle in many ways, at other times they symbolize the uninhibited animals we sometimes wish we could be.

Take, for example, the "good" vampire. Whether it's Edward from the Twilight Saga, Stefan from the Vampire Diaries, or Bill from True Blood, or Louis de Pointe du Lac of Interview with a Vampire, these characters struggle with who they are. They despise themselves and their nature as dealers of death. They try to overcome their darkness and live for good. Tell me that is not the most human struggle of all. Tell me that is not the true meaning of humanity. We fight our inner demons every day, fighting off darkness, trying to be upright and good. Hasn't there been a day when you were tempted to do something you knew was wrong, but you wanted it so bad? Did you have the self-control to resist? Often when a vampire is hungry or angry, they are depicted as having actual physical changes to look more demon-like. What if our own ugly natures manifested themselves so? My god, perhaps we might hate ourselves too.

In opposition to this "good" vampire is the "bad" vampire. Think Eric of True Blood, Damon of Vampire Diaries, or Buffy the Vampire Slayer's Spike. This character knows his ugliness, and accepts it, embraces it, even displays it for all to see. He is beautiful to us because he does not hide who he is. He is most often the character who will be sexualized, because the audience can live vicariously through him. There is a dark side to everyone, but we deny it to ourselves. This character doesn't. He breaks all the rules we are constrained to obey. We choose to conform to the fabric of society, but there's a part of us that admires the person who doesn't, or doesn't have to.

This analysis could be expanded in a hundred ways: we like the promise of undying love (pun intended), absolute trust, sexualizing restraint, glorifying self-control, hoping for redemption, respecting life, wielding power. It's all of our human nature rolled up and put into a creature who may exemplify the human condition better than the human can himself. You can complain all you want that vampires are stupid and your girlfriend likes Twilight too much- even I admit there's should be a limit to an obsession. But don't pretend you don't find yourself strangely attracted in some secret corner of your heart to the vampire, because he is you, and isn't it human to love yourself?

Journaling

Well maybe no one's reading this, but no matter. It's a journal so I'm going to keep writing in it. I was just thinking today about how intermittent my posts are. I also keep a written journal, that gets only very sporadic attention. I also draw, ad my sketchbooks look a lot like a diary, as do the books that I write my lyrics in. Then I thought about how amazing it would be if someday I synthesized all the journals and diaries I have into one big sketch/song/journaling thing. It would be pretty cool. It would also be huge. With 7 sketchbooks, 4 books of lyrics, this blog, and at least 4 separate notebooks that keep the story of my life, it would be a quite large, and quite complete view of my life. Maybe my writing isn't so intermittent after all, it just makes appearances in different formats. Someday I'll put it all together.

Strip Off His Feathers

A long time ago there once was a time
a girl dreamed a dream, an impossible lie
There was a young prince who looked in her eyes
Who told her together they would fly high
But strip off his colors and what is he now?
Just the court jester playing around

A long time ago there once was a child
A girl dreamed a dream, an impossible lie
And eagle would fly her into the sky
They would fly to the stars, at least they would try
But strip off his feathers and what does she find?
A pig in the pen squealing his lie

There once was a woman who looked back in time
Remembering dreams, the impossible lies
She is alone now but never cries
happiness isn't found in a lie
So strip off her armor and what do you find?
Just the same woman, naked and white.

Taylor

In a moment of clarity in a post-Twilight world one Taylor Lautner fan realizes it's a little disgusting...

All these girls craving unreal love
Drooling in lust that will never be enough
And I don't know why we buy it
But like a drug if you just try it
You'll suddenly become compliant
You'll realize you can't deny it

Have you seen Taylor? Have you seen Twilight?
Have you seen the girls wasting their lives?
Pining away for a love unreal
Wishing for the drama of One Tree Hill
Slavering for Chuck on Gossip Girl
Spread your legs and let the lust unfurl

I don't know why we buy
but like a drug if you just try it
you'll suddenly become compliant
You'll realize you can't deny it

Lick your lips and eat it up
Seventeen tells you how to fall in love
see New Moon and moan for more
of eight-pack abs and Teen Wolf taylor
Don't close your eyes you haven't seen it all
There's more to see and further to fall

I don't know why we buy it
but like a drug if you just try it
you'll suddenly become compliant
You'll realize you can't deny it

Coming Soon to a Bookstore Near You

Samuel Burn is a lonely, bitter creature who believes he has lost touch with his last shred of humanity. But when he discovers an unimaginably dangerous enemy, Burn must make the choice between good and evil once and for all. A line has been drawn; will Burn fight for the men who have made his life hell, or choose to defend his immortal kin?

Kendra and Andy's Song

Here you can see all this past history
Song after song tryin' to say what you've meant to me
But there's just so much to say
and my words came out faster as tears anyway
So I have to write this down so the words will flow
If I tried to say it out loud you know I'd choke
For the pas month and a half I've had this lump in my throat
How can I leave the two anchors who kept me afloat?
Throughout storm after storm, through the treacherous waves
You've never wavered, never stumbled, never caved
I was on this ship, Titanic, and it was going down
You pulled me up and outta the water before I drowned.
You wrapped a friendship blanket around me and said "You can survive"
And the warmth started to thaw my blind frozen eyes
This was no black hole I was fallin' in
It was just a dark tunnel and there was light at the end
I had literally though I might be better off dead
When you shook me awake and whispered "Try living again"
I was so terrified of going to sleep
I saw dark shadows and dreamed horrible dreams
Of terrors and monsters and nightmare things
Of fear and loneliness and birds without wings
The demons saw I was weak and they clawed at me
Chaining me up telling me I'd never be free
You shined the light of Christ into a dark dark life
And freed a scared lost girl who'd given up the fight
I just want you to know, I just want you to know
That before you took my hand I'd thought I was entirely, no joke, alone.
You set me on my feet and said it would be okay
You helped me learn to walk again and quit being afraid
I don't think you knew what you were doing in my life at the time
But know now you did more than talk to me for hours at a time
You never EVER told me you didn't have time for me
And you helped me remember the person I could be
I think I've cried a lot, but you made me laugh more
Made me realize I don't have to be sad anymore
You two have made me laugh longer and harder than ever before
Remember the time you said that thing about that movie that you mighta lost your pants for?
Or when we laughed for days over a remark Jayme had made
Or the time SOMEbody's gum ended up in the bottom of my lemonade?
If I've ever been in love, I fell in love with your boys
and running around in your backyard throwing dripping tennis balls Ginger destroys
You guys have played so many roles in my life
Teacher, mentor, sister, brother, friend, and guiding light
I don't know how to thank you or even put into words
The difference you made in the once scared lost little girl
I'll admit as I write this a tear or two is staining the page
But it's okay 'cause I know I'm not lost or afraid

Sticks and Stones Will Bruise My Bones, But Words Will Surely Destroy Me

"I hate you", "you're fat" and "you disgust me"
The words are just words but they still hurt me
We had a fight and I walked away
and now it's over is what you say
But your abuse keeps coming from left and right
Brutal gladiator wounds to make me cry
You say I mean nothing, what we had was a joke
You say I was easy and your eyes are cold
I thought we were stronger
But I was wrong, I'm not strong enough for this
I'm trying to move on, but you won't let me
every time I take a step you drag me back ten feet

With these words like bricks smashing into my skull
with these words like fists crushing into my soul
Like I can't take a breath I'm suffocating
These verbal weapons are exterminating
All I can do is hit the floor
and think about everything and cry some more

My Mom calls me a bitch and says I'm a whore
She's told me I'm worthless since I was four
They say not to believe her, but how can I not?
I am weak and stupid, and it's all my fault
I know I'm not worth much so I let them use me
for sex, for fun, I let them abuse me
People have tried to tell me I'm so much more
But I think they're wrong, I know I'm a whore
I moved out of my house and my mother's dead,
Still her words are all I think about trapped in my head
It didn't matter what anyone said
I sat down in the bathtub, cut my wrists, and bled.

It was those words like bricks smashing into my skull
With those words like fists crushing into my soul
like I couldn't breath I suffocated
By verbal weapons I was exterminated
All I could do was hit the floor
and think about everything 'til I couldn't cry no more

Well my parents tell me that I should try harder
That I should be better, be a lot smarter
When I brought home a "B" - the best I could do
My dad said "Are you gonna be a failure all your life too?"
Nothing I did could be good enough
My passions were nothing, they were just stuff
An "A" was a should-been A-plus
And better SAT scores were a major must
A compliment was a coulda-done-better
A friend? Sit down, do schoolwork, forget her
So I studied hard in how to be a better version of me
Knowing me as myself is a not good enough me

And their words like bricks smash into my skull
with their words like fists crushing into my soul
Like I can't breath I'm suffocating
With verbal weapons They're exterminating
All I can do is hit the flood
And think about everything and cry some more

But We Keep Coming Back For More

Waves of the ocean tumble over me like waves of the ocean
Crushing 20-foot breakers leaving holes, leaving 20-foot craters
The dangerous surf of emotional games
is a dangerous turf that should never be played
But tell that to any girl in the whole world and she'll laugh in your face through emotional pain
'Cause deny it or not you're like an addict who's just been caught
With a bag of white pills and a razor blade,
a white line on the table and guilt on your face
Like a fat kid caught red handed,
like an anorexic defending when it's demanded
Like a bulimic girl with her finger down her throat
looks up to see her little brother pointing her out to the folks
Like Barry Bonds on steroids claims he doesn't know
Which is like swallow Britney's virginity at 18 years old
Like the fans who think MJ faked his death
Turn reality to fantasy it's for the best
So while waves of emotion tumble over me like waves of the ocean
Crushing 20-foot breakers leaving holes, leaving 20-foot craters

The Flimsy Newfangled Flying Machine That is Me

So this Friday I'm headed off to college, and like an early pilot testing his flimsy newfangled flying machine at the turn of the 20th century, I guess I'm a little scared I might crash and burn. But on the other hand, do you think the Wright brothers at Kitty Hawk on December 17th, 1903 were more scared, or more excited that they were about to change the world and take flight? I guess that's how I feel. Maybe I should be more scared, everyone expects me to be, they won't stop asking about it. But I'm just a jumble of scared and excited, fight and flight, adrenaline and lead feet.

There's a part of me that doesn't want to leave where I am. I'm comfortable here, I'm fed, clothed, taken care of, and maybe I'm not particularly excited to leave that comfort zone. There's a part of me that says "I can do it by myself". Like the 3-year-old who says, "Don't help me, i can do it by myself", I'm thinking I don't need anyone anymore, I can get along just fine with what I, and only I, have got.

Another side of me is telling me that since I clearly depend so much on my friends, I can't possibly survive alone. And maybe that's true, but even though I'm physically leaving my friends, I'm not forgetting about them, or not talking to them, or something. I can always write, I can always call, I can always depend on them and they on me. Right?

I don't want to leave my sister. I care about her so much. There's this protective side of me that's saying that leaving is a terrible idea. I don't want to be separated from her. When we were younger people used to ask all the time if we were twins. "No," we'd reply, rolling our eyes, "we're just sisters." But sometimes, as close as we are, and when I see myself reflected in her eyes and vice versa, I'm not so sure. I do not know who I am if I don't have Mary.

But there comes a time when sisters, even those as close as we, have to forge their own identities I guess. I guess that time is now.

So excited, scared, sad, unsure, nervous, joyful, confident, I am all of these things. At once. Tell me that's not confusing.

Okay So You Don't Have To Save Humanity, Maybe a Little Love Will Do?

God asks us to be like Christ, a guy who died to give people like Hitler and Osama bin Laden and me and you a chance to be saved. He put His head on the chopping block in place of everyone and anyone else's.

Even if you don't sacrifice yourself for the sake of a murderer, or a child molester, do you think you could even look at those people with love, as God does?

Do you think you could see two guys walking down the street holding hands and NOT immediately turn your nose up and think "fags"

Do you think you could look the girl in the eyes sitting in the abortion clinic and not curl your lip thinking "baby killer"? Maybe you could look at her and she would see love in your eyes.

Maybe you could look at that kid with the baggy pants and exposed boxers and NOT think "good for nothin' teenager."

In Matthew 18 Jesus tells a parable about lost sheep. He says in verse 10, "See that you do not look down on one of these little ones...what do you think? If a man owns a hundred sheep and one of them wanders away, will he not leave the others and go to look for that one? And if he finds it, I tell you the truth, he is happier about that one sheep than abut the 99 that did not wander off. In the same way you Father in heaven is not willing that any of of these little ones should be lost."

Maybe we could add "because you do not desire to bring them back" at the end of that. Jesus came to seek and save the lost. We're supposed to do the same, remember?

A Forklift Can't Turn Transformer By Itself, But a Mechanic Could Make it Into One.

Following up on the idea of being for Christlike, I think it's important to look at the impossible task of conquering human nature and realize you're not supposed to do it by yourself.

I was assigned a summer reading book for college. It's called "The Open Road: The Global Journey of the Fourteenth Dalai Lama". It's an interesting documentary-style piece that talks about the Dalai lama and who he is, both in public and in private. As a Buddhist the Dalai Lama believes that humans have a problem: it isn't war or famine or poverty- those are just symptoms. The source of these symptoms is the disease of human nature. We are our own enemy.

"[A Buddhist] brings all responsibility inward," writes the author, "so as not to waste time blaming people outside himself, but to see how he can understand (and therefore solve) the problem within."

Later he writes, "...in truth the source of all your power, your answers, lies right here, inside yourself."

Self-betterment is a worthy goal, perhaps even an achievable one. People quit smoking, learn new things, become activists, change for the better all the time. But trying to overcome human nature with human nature is futile. God doesn't ask us as Christians to lay down our lives for people we don't like, or for sinners. He's done that Himself already. He does ask us to have the desire to change, to become more like the men and women we should be. And then He promises to be with us every step of the way, guiding, supporting, and transforming us.

The desire to change is pretty important. If you don't want God messing in your life, He won't, I promise. But if you trust Him, He's gonna give you opportunity after opportunity to change and be transformed.

Being Christlike is Like Asking a Forklift to Turn into a Transformer and Save Mankind

In Philippians chapter 2 verse 5 Paul asks the congregation in Philippi to be like Christ. our lives as Christians are hugely about becoming more Christlike. I don't think very many Christians really understand what that means, let alone take it seriously. It means sacrificing YOUR life and YOUR dreams and living according to someone else's rules and someone else's goals.

Verse 5 says, "Your attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus." That is huge. We're supposed to belike Christ?! God incarnate?! It ought to be impossible. This is a guy who stepped into a courtroom full of murderers, rapists, and evil people and said, "I will take the death penalty for all these people. All of them"

How crazy is that? He died a death in place of really bad people, people he had no reason to even like, peope he should be repulsed by. You know that girl your ex cheated with? You wanna die for her? You know that guy who sexually harassed you in PE? You wanna die for him? How about the guy who broke your leg during a game and ruined your sports scholarship> You feel like dying for that guy? What about that ex best friend who told you she was just using you to get to your boyfriend? The guy who used you for sex and then dropped; the girl who told you you were fat in 7th grade?

If any on of these people were kneeling at the guillotine, would you interrup the execution, run up to the condemned and say "Step away, I'll take your place" ?

What about the Virginia Tech shooter? The pedophile who kidnaps and abuses children? The young parents who, because they couldn't stand their son's crying, abused the two-year-old until he died of internal injuries? What about the terrorists who hijacked four planes on September 11 in 2001?

Would you die for them?

Because the person we're supposed to be like, Jesus, he would. The question isn't really if you think you CAN do that. That part comes later. The question is do you WANT to do that?

Being happy in the Right Now

Philippians 4:11-12

American society discourages contentment. Instead ads tell you that you won't be happy without a certain hair product, and magazines tell you you'll be beautiful...once you buy a certain make up, and commercials say that your life could be so much better if you shopped at this-and-such a place.

Our society drives us to be "successful". We're told to climb the ladder of success, to make more money, to enjoy a higher and higher standard of living. We're expected to want more and want more and want more after that. The vicious cycle is meant to create an environment of discontent.

Admit it, you've thought that something, material or otherwise, will cause you to finally be happy, or that if some desire, if only fulfilled, would allow you to be content. "I'll be happy once I get that shirt" or "I'll be happy once I get those grades". "I'll be happy when my parents let me get texting" or "I'll be happy once I know where I'm accepted to college" I'm sure some of this sounds familiar.

Contentment isn't something I spend a lot of time thinking about or trying to achieve. A lot (And I mean a LOT) of my high school experience was about getting in and going off to college, not about enjoying the moment. It was always about getting the 'A', and adding to my resume, and improving my test scores.

During my senior year I finally slowed down enough to realize I mas missing the moments I ought to be savoring. I was always on to the next thing and accomplishing the next goal without taking time to be happy with where I was right then. I never said it out loud, but looking back I know I thought I'd be happy as a year older, happier as a senior, happier graduated, happier moved out, happier in college, happier...later.

Paul in Philippians 4 talks a little bit about being content in every situation. He says that he knows what it's like to want for things and he knows what it's like to have everything he wants, but no matter the situation he is content. He's saying that it doesn't matter where you are in your life there's things to be thankful for, reasons to be happy, moments in which to be content. It's not about being happy someday, it's about learning to be content in the right now.

Hebrews 13:5 says "Keep your lives free from the love of money and be content with what you have." If Hebrews had been written today the author may have said "Live your life free from the desire for more and be happy with your life right now."

It's not soething to think twice about. Think once, agree, and enjoy. God's given you permission, practically commanded you to be happy, so... remind me why we shouldn't?

You're Using a Power Drill to Mix Red Velvet Cake Batter?

1 Corinthians 6:12-20

Paul talks about the importance of keeping your body pure. Not for the sake of smelling awesome of having a cavity-free smile, or having good hygiene. He says in verse 13, "The body is not meant for sexual immorality, but for the Lord." So sinning sexually means you're actually misusing your body, like you read the manual wrong and you look like an idiot when you use your power drill to mix cake batter. It means when you think lustfully or desire someone's body, you are misusing that power drill.

In fact, this power drill belongs to someone else and the red velvet cake you just mixed with it ruined the bit, the mechanishm, and it's splattered with cake batter. Okay, maybe I wore out this metaphor?

Look. The point is that if you're borrowing someone else's property, you better be sure you're using it properly, you'd better treat it with respect and handle it carefully. And you'd better return it in the same condition that you received it in.

In verse 15 Paul says, "Do you not know that your bodies are members of Christ himself? Shall I then take the members of Christ and unite them with a prostitute?" Don't think of your body as your own, first of all. Second of all, don't give your borrowed body over to sin. Imagine you're borrowing a man's wife for the weekend. would you have her sleep with another man? No!

God is timeless, he is everywhere at once. That means he's outside of time and he sees us at children, as teens, and as adults at the same time. Instead of a timeline he sees one dot and inside that dot is the entire history of the universe. That means that to God, you're already married. When you kiss or give your body to another person who's not your spouse, you're doing that while married. That's how God sees it. You're married sometime down the road, so don't go giving your body to some other dude, or five other dudes for that matter.

I'm not saying that dating is necessarily bad, or that you're going to hell for kissing someone, or even for having a steamy makeout session. All I'm saying is that you might think twice about doing any of that with some who you don't think you'll be marrying any time soon. It's just something to keep in mind that your body is God's first, and that you might want to read the manual and take care of it with respect.

How you treat yourself sets the standard for others.

Take a Break!

It certainly would have been nice to take a break, but the counselors were busy. The kitchen staff kids on the other hand were not. I'm not sure I ever actually saw them doing dishes. Strange...anyway. The CITs who moved up this year gave the kitchen kids a hard time because they didn't work as hard this year.

At the end of the week the kitchen staff did their skit and it was a parody of Lonely Island's Like a Boss, with Seth Rogen and Andy Samburg. They replaced "like a boss" with "take a break" and performed it with much hilarity ensuing.

The song included lines like this: "chase some deer (take a break!) go canoeing (take a break!) take a nap (take a break!) hide from John (take a break) it's 3 o'clock (take a break) Dan wakes up (take a break!) eat some gushers (take a break!)

Very funny

Bee Attack at Camp

Unfortunately for us girls, the sand bees had moved into new holes. Right under the clothes line outside the girl's bathroom. It was hot that day, so naturally everyone had been swimming in the lake. After that, they laid out their towels on and beside the clothesline. Sooo...when they went to pick up their towels later in the evening, the girls discovered in a not so pleasant way that they'd placed their towels over the entrances to a giant bee hive underground. And all the bees inside the beehive were angry that they were trapped inside. Very angry.

Talk about mass chaos.

Kids were running and screaming, bees were everywhere, campers were crying. Tikes. One of my campers was stung and bitten. (Notice the giant biting jaws on that bee above and think about those jaws ripping out chunks of skin. Ow? uh, yeah.) From then on my entire cabin was terrified of bees. I never told them we had a wasps nest directly above our door.

Well, some of the upper staff joined together to create a Bee Eradication Force, and sprayed the entire are for bees, and filled in all the holes, and ran in a panic from any buzzing noises they heard. After an entire day of the BEF eradicating all the bees, the problem was taken care of.

Or so we thought.

A couple days later the power went out. The camp is supplied electricity by an underground power cable. The rangers may not have believed us, but we know it was the bees. Those angry angry bees trapped underground got back at us for spraying them.

Notes from Sam's Messages

It's really easy to sit back and think you're a Christian, when you're not.

A lot of times, especially in America, kids are raised in the church, or raised to believe in God, and they think they're set. They call themselves born again Christians, and they've heard Bible stories, and they understand "Christian-ese", but that doesn't make you a Christian. You believe in God, that's great, but even the demons believe in God. There's more to it than that.

God doesn't want you to be a person that's just half-hearted. Don't walk the line. At all. Either pick the world or pick God, but pick a side.

Even worse than unbelief is lukewarm-ness, and people who pass themselves off as Christians, but don't truly want to change, or disturb their lifestyle. If your relationship with Christ hasn't changed you, then do you really have a relationship with Jesus Christ, or are you just lukewarm? Because it's one thing to conform to the ways of the world, but quite another to claim Christianity, but appear no different than everyone else. Christians are set apart by God, they're "new creations". So be hot or cold, not lukewarm.

Read in Ephesians 6 about the Armor of God. Now think about it: do we have any of these things ourselves? No, all of this armor, these weapons are from God! We can't save ourselves.

A lot of times it's easy to depend on ourselves, to trust our own judgment, to make our own plans, when really we should be seeking the will of God and asking for his armor, rather than attempting to defend ourselves without it.

Being Salty

"If you just look like salt, but you're not affecting anyone, you're not salt, you just look like it."

Sam, our missionary at camp this year, talked a little bit about being salt and light on Monday and the part above really stood out to me. I'd never head it put that way before and that's really stuck in my mind.

A lot of the things Sam said made me re-evaluate my walk with God and made me realize that thinking I'm a Christian doesn't make me a Christian.

I was talking about this with Peter too, that you can't just believe parts of the Bible, like the peart where you go to heaven, and ignore the part where it tells you to love your neighbor.

It made me think that a lot of times I just look like salt. I go to church, I'm involved in ministry, I go to youth, but I'm not affecting anyone. I'm not changing lives, I'm not even planting seeds. Most of the time I blend right in with everyone else. And I don't think that's ok anymore.

Sam sort of opened my eyes and shot an arrow right through my heart saying "You just look like salt."

I don't want to settle for just looking like salt anymore.

I'll Say I'll See You Soon

I think God must've sent you to me
To hold me close and to be what I need
'cause when you look into my eyes I know you understand
and when you put your arms around me it's to hold me up when I can't
When we sat around the fire on the very last night
I put my head against your shoulder and all I could do was to cry
Because you and this camp are my source of light
and I have to leave it all for a land of black night
I spend the rest of the year waiting to come back
and when I see what I'm missing I can't stand to leave all that
So all I can do is cry silently
against the shoulder of the friend who's holding me tightly
and the more you say it's okay the more I think it's not.
Because friends like you aren't the ones I've got
So then Madi comes over and wipes the tears from my face
she has a Bible in her hand and tells me not to be afrai
This girl is 12 years old and she prays over me
Speaking the Word of the Lord like an angel to me
She brushes the hair from my face and you wipe a tear from my nose
and my heart breaks it's so full of more love than you know
So when I say I think God must've sent you to me
I'm serious it's because my prayers have been answered for me
And I'm crying from happiness, I'm crying from love
I'm crying because you're angels sent to me from the God above.
I'm crying because it'll be a year before I see you smile again
and because I only have a few more hours to hug my friends
and I miss you so much, I miss you so much
and I love you so much, I love you so much
So I'll say I'll see you soon, I can't say goodbye
Make me laugh soon or I'll never stop crying.

I'll Be Your Sunshine

Everyone deserves a little happiness in their life
Everyone needs a ray of sunshine to shine so bright
and you deserve to be happy
deserve to have sunshine
I wanna be that happiness for you
I wanna be that happiness for you

I wanna make you smile
I wanna make you laugh
I wanna give you hope
I'll chase away your sad
I wanna hug you tight
I wanna shine so bright
And when you feel bad in your life
Look at me, look at me, I'll shine so bright
Look at me, look at me, I'll hold you tight
Look at me, look at me, I'll love you right

Everyone deserves a little happiness in their life
needs someone to say "keep battlin' in this fight"
It's too easy to get low
too easy to let go
You need a little sunshine, need a little light
I wanna be that happiness so bright
I wanna be that happiness for you
I wanna be that happiness for you

I wanna make you smile
I wanna make you laugh
I wanna give you hope
I'll chase away your sad
I wanna hug you tight
I wanna shine so bright
And when you feel bad in your life
Look at me, look at me, I'll shine so bright
Look at me, look at me, I'll hold you tight
Look at me, look at me, I'll love you right

I Never Expected This

I never expected this, I never expected you
I was never s'posed to be scared of losing anyone like you
There was never supposed to be someone that I would have to leave
and how can I take back my heart when you've taken over me?
So I'll say I'm fearless but I do have one fear
and it's the day we'll say the words we're both scared to hear

So we'll make our time last forever
Freeze our oments spent together
We've got three more weeks and a graduation
and three months of a summer vacation
We'll fly far, and we'll fly free
I'll hold you and you'll hold me

Well your dad yells and mine growls constant threats
Your mom smiles and mine cries that I'll have regrets
You werent in their picture of my perfection
You weren't in their plan for my direction
And I'm fearless to the world but I have one fear
and that's the day I can't hold you near

So we'll make our time last forever
We'll freeze our moments spent together
We've got three more weeks and a graduation
and three months of a summer vacation
so we'll fly far, and we'll fly free
and I'll hold you, and you'll hold me

There was never s'posed to be someone that I would have to leave
I would never have had to miss someone who was never close to me
Sometimes when you hold me and you look at me you say
"I just wanna be with you" and I can't tell you to leave me someday
So I can't say I'm fearless 'cause sometimes I'm scared
of that day we'll both find out just how much I care

We have to make our time last forever
And freeze our moments spent together
We've got three more weeks and a graduation
and three months of a summer vacation
and we'll fly far, and we'll fly free
Oh I'll hold you, and you'll hold me...

Until You Can Quit It

17 May 2009

You say you wanted me to be your everything
That it was more than just a one night fligh
and when I told you no you thought you'd be fine
and then it hit you hard one more time
That it was not, not anybody else you wanted,
You called me up to say you thought it could work

But I say
Lose the bottle and lose the booze
'cause it's a game you always lose
Don't tell me that I'm all you want
When every weekend you're out downing shots

You let that drink control you
And I'm not about to hold you
When you've got one hand in mine
and the other on the drink that's one your mind
So until you can quit it
you can just forget it

I break my heart saying it was just a one night fling
You don't want me to be your everything
And I can't see your eyes but I can hear it in your voice
That I've hurt you a lot and you don't wanna make this choice
So I let you off the hook and I say we could never work
and the pain of breaking won't add up to the reward it's worth

So I just say
You couldn't lose the bottle or lose the booze
"cause that's a game you'll always lose
Don't tell me I'm all you want
When every weekend you're out downing shots
You'll let that drink control you
and I'm not about to hold you
When you've got one hand in mine
and the other on the drink that's on your mind
So because you can't quit it
You can just forget it

"You're Supposed to Feel Alone"

I tried to tell you once, I tried to tell you twice
I cried to you all flipping night
I said "hey mom and dad, I feel like a stranger
and I hate you a lot with all of this anger
but it makes me sad to feel so alone
I don't wanna hate you anymore, I just wanna come home"

I was cryin out to you with arms outstretched
"Won't you love me again?" and my tears confessed
that for the first time I wasn't tellin' you a lie
But you just looked at me so cold
And told me I was s'posed to feel alone
I just don't understand
I said "love me!" but you can't?

I said I didn't trust you so I'd kept to myself
every secret I had, every feeling I'd felt
I said "hey mom and dad I feel like a stranger
but I don't wanna hate you anymore with all of this anger"
But you looked in my eyes and you raised your hands
and you yelled in my face "I don't give a damn"

I was cryin' out to you with arms outstretched
"Won't you love me again?" and my tears confessed
that for the first time I wasn't tellin' you a lie
But you just looked at me so cold
And told me I was s'posed to feel alone
I just don't understand
I said "love me!" but you can't?

I told you you were emotionally unavailable
but your hard hearts made you totally unassailable
and there I was, snigging and crying and pouring out my hear
and you took the opportunity to tear me apart.
So in my own family I'll keep feelin' like a stranger
And I'll pretend I'm fine and keep hidin' my anger

I was cryin' out to you with arms outstretched
"Won't you love me again?" and my tears confessed
that for the first time I wasn't tellin' you a lie
But you just looked at me so cold
And told me I was s'posed to feel alone
I just don't understand
I said "love me!" but you can't?

I told you how I felt really sad and alone
and you took the opportunity to have me Biblically stoned?
So screw you, you don't wanna be my parents? Then don't.
But don't look to me when you're old and alone.
You'll say to me "we gave you everything, how could we know?"
But you knew you were holding back what I needed most
And when I came to you in honesty looking for love
You said I didn't need it, what I had was enough.
I was confused and you made me feel ashamed
But I shouldn't have hoped you could possibly change.
So please please please now that I know where you stand
Stay away from me until you give a damn.


I wrote this after a fight I had with my parents. I was so, so upset by what they had said to me. I was so hurt, and whether they'd meant to make me feel this way or not, the message I got was that they didn't want to parent me and that I didn't need their love. Try swallowing that after you sob to them for an hour and a half about how you feel alone without them.

I Think That You Should Know

03.08.29

So I have trust issues, so I'm afraid of being close
There are reasons for these walls and I think that you should know
That I'm worth having, but you don't get me for free
and I'm beggin' you to chase me, but I won't be cheap
'Cause I'm not afraid of sayin' that you scare me shitless
So prove to me I won't regret this
I might get scared and try to run
i might be hesitant but don't give up
If I get scared try to understand
that all you need to do is hold my hand
I need someone who's gonna hold me tight
who won't let go of me through the night
'Cause I put up all these walls to protect my heart
and it won't be easy to take 'em apart
I've become so scared of bein' hurt
that reaching out is hard, you'll have to do it first
But please do do it before my feet start to run
and a heart attack kills me and I have to be done
I have trust issues and I'm afraid of bein' close
There're reasons for those walls, butt I think that you should know
that I couldn't want somethin more
Than somethin' I can't hope for

You Know I'm Scared, Right?

Once upon a time I thought I'd be okay
Thought the dreams about him would go away
Once upon a time I thought my heart was whole
But there are pieces missing and I'm alone
Months pass by and I watch them go
I finally give up 'cause you can't kill ghosts

It's been a long time since I felt this way
It's been a long time since caring made me feel afraid
And I'm so scared of you
'Cause when I care
My heart goes with you when you walk away
(and they always walk away)

Tired of feelin' sorry and of feelin' sayd
Gotta move on and quit feelin' this bad
tired of bein' lonely and waitin' around
I'm tired of bein lost, I wanna be found
So I'll open up a little and tear down some walls
It's like jumpin' off a cliff hopin' someone'll catch your fall

It's been a long time since I felt this way

It's been a long time since caring made me feel afraid

And I'm so scared of you

'Cause when I care

My heart goes with you when you walk away

(and they always walk away)

That's why I'm scared, that's why I'm afraid
I'm not sure if I could bear to lose what I'd gain
The hard part isn't givin' my heart away
It's puttin' it back into my chest when you give it back someday

It's been a long time since I felt this way

It's been a long time since caring made me feel afraid

And I'm so scared of you

'Cause when I care

My heart goes with you when you walk away

(and they always walk away)

Just Go Away

I tried to wait, I really did
I waited all last year through chem
I though I'd learned, I really did
But I just felt disappointed
Over once, over again
Finally gave up and now I just pretend
I just don't know how you can't see
And I've say around enough waiting
You know I wish I could just walk away
But I can't seem to change my ways
And I can't think how to save
The heart you hold that I once gave
So I guess we'll play the game
Where i pretend that nothing's changed
So we'll just see how far it goes
I'm putting on quite a show
Ad faking that I don't care
Is not as hard as knowing you really don't care
And what's even worse is that it went so far
and now i just feel stupid

It Was You Who Helped Me Go

I've been sittin' here so long
Tryin' to write you a song
That could maybe explain
The difference you've made

You were the hands to pull me up
The arms to hug me close
You let me learn to trust
When my heart had turned so cold
When I had nowhere to turn
You were there to catch my fall
When there were lessons to be learned
You were there through it all
If I didn't know what to do
I would come to you
And you would remind me of the road
That I was s'posed to be on

You really changed my life
and I think that you should know
That when I spread my wings to fly
It was you who helped me go

There is No Happily Ever After

When Aaron was younger,
he's always been smaller,
He was just like you or me
what his parents told him to be
People sometimes said he didn't smile much
Sometimes they said he didn't laugh enough
When it came time to go, nobody knew why,
Little Aaron might suddenly have a tear in his eye
But he took his daddy's hand and he went away
With that awful look on his face every single day

We didn't know that when we let him go
Aaron's daddy would take him home
And beat his little body with his bare fists
And shout into his face with his flying spit
We didn't know that Aaron had broken bones
had a broken spirit and felt all alone
Sometimes he didn't want to sit in his chair
because his mommy had spanked him 'til it was purple back there

One day Aaron told my mom and dad everything
He didn't cry when he showed the ugly blue-black rings
Left by his daddy's heavy fists
Left by his mommy's anger fits
I took Aaron's hand and I held it tight
I told him I thought everything would be alright
But Aaron didn't move, he just sat like a stone
For and hour and a half he stayed so cold
And just as he began to lift
One corner of his frowning granite lips

Aaron's daddy stepped right through the front door
As me and limp Aaron sank to the floor
I told him that I wouldn't let go
But Aaron's eyes stayed dead, his mouth in an "O"
His daddy took his shirt and dragged him and me
'Cause I couldn't let go after promising
My head hit the door frame, I didn't mean to lose my grip
The last thing I saw were Aaron's reaching fingertips
His daddy put him in the car and and they drove away
And I haven't seen Aaron since that day

Now Aaron spends his days in an empty cell
It used to be his bedroom, now an echoing shell
Sometime his mommy brings him food and he eats off the floor
I don't know how much they let him outdoors
Sometimes I sit outside his window and let myself cry
All the tears Aaron doesn't and wonder why
Who would want to hurt such a beautiful boy?
Who would dare to abuse him like some cheap toy?
And I cry for Aaron, I cry 'cause he won't
As he sits in the dark, hurt and alone

Why Don't I Hate it Here?

I don't wanna go, but I wanna move on
I don't wanna cry but these tears still come
And I hate it here, so just tell me why
I can't stand to leave so I stand and cry
This place, it took me so far away
From everything I knew in just one day
With all I've been through how can I say
I don't hate it here, when did that change?

Well it's you, you've made this place my home
It's you, you told me I could own
My future and my life, through God and Jesus Christ
So thank you, thank you for my life
Just thank you, thank you for these eyes
So I can see the light of this brand new sun rise
It's you, who had the love to say
That everything would work out okay
So from me to you, just thank you

When I had to leave I though my life was over
from everything I knew to trying to start over
When you're hurt that bad it's hard to stay
To just hang on to each new lifeless day
This place, it took me so far away
From everything I knew in just one day
With all I've been through how can I say
I don't hate it here, when did that change?

Well it's you, you've made this place my home
It's you, you told me I could own
My future and my life, through God and Jesus Christ
So thank you, thank you for my life
Just thank you, thank you for these eyes
So I can see the light of this brand new sun rise
It's you, who had the love to say
That everything would work out okay
So from me to you, just thank you

When you're in the dark, there is nothing else
You feel so alone and all by yourself
There's no one to turn to, there's nowhere to run
You hurt so much you just wanna be done
This place it took me so far away
From everything I knew in just one day
With all I've been through how can I say
I don't hate it here, When did that change?

Well it's you, you've made this place my home
It's you, you told me I could own
My future and my life, through God and Jesus Christ
So thank you, thank you for my life
Just thank you, thank you for these eyes
So I can see the light of this brand new sun rise
It's you, who had the love to say
That everything would work out okay
So from me to you, just thank you

I don't want to leave, but I know I'll survive
Moving out, moving forward, to a new life
Now as I look back never thought I'd regret
Leaving the place of so much regret
And this place it took me so far away
From everything I knew in just one day
With all I've been through how can I say
I don't hate it here, when did that change?

Well it's you, you've made this place my home
It's you, you told me I could own
My future and my life, through God and Jesus Christ
So thank you, thank you for my life
Just thank you, thank you for these eyes
So I can see the light of this brand new sun rise
It's you, who had the love to say
That everything would work out okay
So from me to you, just thank you

I'm Eighteen and I'm Not a Legal Adult?

From the December issue of The Brand

Having just celebrated my eighteenth birthday, I am enjoying my status as a legal adult. I no

longer have to worry about Winnemucca’s curfew, I’ve received several calls from military recruiters, and I had the privilege of voting in the presidential election as well; I even emporarily considered moving out just because I could, but concluded a few minutes later that I enjoy the bed and the free food far too much to move out. However, going over my new rights as a legal adult, I realized that I still must wait to receive the full extent of my rights as an American citizen; for some reason I will be denied the right to drink an alcoholic beverage for another three years.

Honestly, I have been unable to uncover a legitimate argument against 18- year-olds drinking alcohol that cannot be easily dismissed. Some have told me that they think it’s a health risk or a safety hazard to 18-year-olds or those around them. But come on, 18-yearolds are permitted to buy and smoke cigarettes, which is not only dangerous to one’s own health, but endangers others as well. Smoking and the second- hand smoke it produces have been linked to such killers as cancer, heart disease, and emphysema. On the other hand, numerous studies have suggested that drinking alcohol in moderation can actually benefit your health. In fact, the Mayo Clinic advises that a moderate alcohol intake of two drinks a day can reduce your risk of heart attack and heart disease, diabetes, and stroke.

What safety hazards does drinking alcohol present specifically to my 18- year-old self that don’t equally apply to my 21-year-old brother? Yes, drinking a bottle of Russian vodka and then driving home, poses a significant health risk both to the drunk driver and others on the road, but is a drunk driver any less drunk on his 21st birthday than his 18th?

Drinking a piña colada doesn’t pose nearly the health risk signing up for the Army might. It’s an honor to have the right to fight and die for our country; it’s a heavy responsibility to be able to influence the future of the world by voting; but for some reason 18-yearolds aren’t equipped with the ability to drink safely or responsibly. If I’m mature enough to be handed an automatic weapon and shipped off to a foreign country to kill the enemies of America, how can I not be mature or responsible enough to drink?

Quantum of Solace

I wrote this review for The Brand, my school's newspaper.

Tuxedos, martinis, and golden guns belong to the world of the dashing James Bond we know and love.

This is not classic Bond.

Connery, Moore, and Brosnan were suave and gentlemanly, and notoriously womanizing; Daniel Craig’s Bond is a rough and rugged representation of the MI6 agent before he became charming or conceived of his infamous “Bond, James Bond” line. A gritty backdrop and a bitter, brooding Bond allow the audience to glimpse the darker side of the British secret agent we once thought we knew. Although I once had misgivings about Craig’s being cast, his performance in “Casino Royale” last year and now “Quantum” have proven him worthy of this newly renovated Bond.

“Quantum of Solace” opens mere moments after “Casino” leaves off. Bond had been enamored with lover Vesper Lynd (Eva Green), who then betrayed her agent boyfriend and committed suicide in front of him by drowning herself. Filled with searing rage at Vesper’s betrayal, but also deeply troubled by his true love’s death, Bond is now smitten with sweet Revenge. Driven by his anger, Bond sets out to get even with the crooks responsible for Vesper’s betrayal and death, and he’ll kill anyone stupid enough to get in his way. Judi Dench plays “M”, Bond’s sensible boss, who finds it increasingly difficult to control an agent who has suddenly and violently turned rogue.

Naturally, Bond’s vengeance is served quite nobly in the end, and naturally his wrath is appeased after shooting, throttling, and killing as many thugs as he can. Just as naturally Bond meets mysterious and angst-filled Russian beauty, Camille (Olga Kurylenko), whom he can’t fall in love with because of Vesper- baggage, but must aid anyway because she’s a damsel in distress out for the same revenge Bond is looking for.

Although “Quantum” has been critically acclaimed for being action packed and “gritty” and “raw”, I find myself missing the old Bond a bit, with his “Bond, James Bond” and his famous martini, shaken not stirred, which have been noticeably absent from the new films. “Quantum” does provide a second look at the womanizing James Bond of previous films, allowing a more real, more human James Bond to emerge. Craig’s performances have truly been top-notch, as he exhibits his expansive range of talent. Whether he’s being angry and smoldering, or seductively chivalrous, or killing someone in cold blood, Craig can pull it off.

In fact, Craig’s emotional Bond proves the most interesting aspect of “Quantum” as the story, which centers around a political message, never gets better than boring. But seriously, it has a boat chase, a car chase, evil villains, sultry women, fancy cars, big explosions, and a good-lookin’ hero- what more could you want from James Bond?