Coming Soon to a Bookstore Near You

Samuel Burn is a lonely, bitter creature who believes he has lost touch with his last shred of humanity. But when he discovers an unimaginably dangerous enemy, Burn must make the choice between good and evil once and for all. A line has been drawn; will Burn fight for the men who have made his life hell, or choose to defend his immortal kin?

Kendra and Andy's Song

Here you can see all this past history
Song after song tryin' to say what you've meant to me
But there's just so much to say
and my words came out faster as tears anyway
So I have to write this down so the words will flow
If I tried to say it out loud you know I'd choke
For the pas month and a half I've had this lump in my throat
How can I leave the two anchors who kept me afloat?
Throughout storm after storm, through the treacherous waves
You've never wavered, never stumbled, never caved
I was on this ship, Titanic, and it was going down
You pulled me up and outta the water before I drowned.
You wrapped a friendship blanket around me and said "You can survive"
And the warmth started to thaw my blind frozen eyes
This was no black hole I was fallin' in
It was just a dark tunnel and there was light at the end
I had literally though I might be better off dead
When you shook me awake and whispered "Try living again"
I was so terrified of going to sleep
I saw dark shadows and dreamed horrible dreams
Of terrors and monsters and nightmare things
Of fear and loneliness and birds without wings
The demons saw I was weak and they clawed at me
Chaining me up telling me I'd never be free
You shined the light of Christ into a dark dark life
And freed a scared lost girl who'd given up the fight
I just want you to know, I just want you to know
That before you took my hand I'd thought I was entirely, no joke, alone.
You set me on my feet and said it would be okay
You helped me learn to walk again and quit being afraid
I don't think you knew what you were doing in my life at the time
But know now you did more than talk to me for hours at a time
You never EVER told me you didn't have time for me
And you helped me remember the person I could be
I think I've cried a lot, but you made me laugh more
Made me realize I don't have to be sad anymore
You two have made me laugh longer and harder than ever before
Remember the time you said that thing about that movie that you mighta lost your pants for?
Or when we laughed for days over a remark Jayme had made
Or the time SOMEbody's gum ended up in the bottom of my lemonade?
If I've ever been in love, I fell in love with your boys
and running around in your backyard throwing dripping tennis balls Ginger destroys
You guys have played so many roles in my life
Teacher, mentor, sister, brother, friend, and guiding light
I don't know how to thank you or even put into words
The difference you made in the once scared lost little girl
I'll admit as I write this a tear or two is staining the page
But it's okay 'cause I know I'm not lost or afraid

Sticks and Stones Will Bruise My Bones, But Words Will Surely Destroy Me

"I hate you", "you're fat" and "you disgust me"
The words are just words but they still hurt me
We had a fight and I walked away
and now it's over is what you say
But your abuse keeps coming from left and right
Brutal gladiator wounds to make me cry
You say I mean nothing, what we had was a joke
You say I was easy and your eyes are cold
I thought we were stronger
But I was wrong, I'm not strong enough for this
I'm trying to move on, but you won't let me
every time I take a step you drag me back ten feet

With these words like bricks smashing into my skull
with these words like fists crushing into my soul
Like I can't take a breath I'm suffocating
These verbal weapons are exterminating
All I can do is hit the floor
and think about everything and cry some more

My Mom calls me a bitch and says I'm a whore
She's told me I'm worthless since I was four
They say not to believe her, but how can I not?
I am weak and stupid, and it's all my fault
I know I'm not worth much so I let them use me
for sex, for fun, I let them abuse me
People have tried to tell me I'm so much more
But I think they're wrong, I know I'm a whore
I moved out of my house and my mother's dead,
Still her words are all I think about trapped in my head
It didn't matter what anyone said
I sat down in the bathtub, cut my wrists, and bled.

It was those words like bricks smashing into my skull
With those words like fists crushing into my soul
like I couldn't breath I suffocated
By verbal weapons I was exterminated
All I could do was hit the floor
and think about everything 'til I couldn't cry no more

Well my parents tell me that I should try harder
That I should be better, be a lot smarter
When I brought home a "B" - the best I could do
My dad said "Are you gonna be a failure all your life too?"
Nothing I did could be good enough
My passions were nothing, they were just stuff
An "A" was a should-been A-plus
And better SAT scores were a major must
A compliment was a coulda-done-better
A friend? Sit down, do schoolwork, forget her
So I studied hard in how to be a better version of me
Knowing me as myself is a not good enough me

And their words like bricks smash into my skull
with their words like fists crushing into my soul
Like I can't breath I'm suffocating
With verbal weapons They're exterminating
All I can do is hit the flood
And think about everything and cry some more

But We Keep Coming Back For More

Waves of the ocean tumble over me like waves of the ocean
Crushing 20-foot breakers leaving holes, leaving 20-foot craters
The dangerous surf of emotional games
is a dangerous turf that should never be played
But tell that to any girl in the whole world and she'll laugh in your face through emotional pain
'Cause deny it or not you're like an addict who's just been caught
With a bag of white pills and a razor blade,
a white line on the table and guilt on your face
Like a fat kid caught red handed,
like an anorexic defending when it's demanded
Like a bulimic girl with her finger down her throat
looks up to see her little brother pointing her out to the folks
Like Barry Bonds on steroids claims he doesn't know
Which is like swallow Britney's virginity at 18 years old
Like the fans who think MJ faked his death
Turn reality to fantasy it's for the best
So while waves of emotion tumble over me like waves of the ocean
Crushing 20-foot breakers leaving holes, leaving 20-foot craters

The Flimsy Newfangled Flying Machine That is Me

So this Friday I'm headed off to college, and like an early pilot testing his flimsy newfangled flying machine at the turn of the 20th century, I guess I'm a little scared I might crash and burn. But on the other hand, do you think the Wright brothers at Kitty Hawk on December 17th, 1903 were more scared, or more excited that they were about to change the world and take flight? I guess that's how I feel. Maybe I should be more scared, everyone expects me to be, they won't stop asking about it. But I'm just a jumble of scared and excited, fight and flight, adrenaline and lead feet.

There's a part of me that doesn't want to leave where I am. I'm comfortable here, I'm fed, clothed, taken care of, and maybe I'm not particularly excited to leave that comfort zone. There's a part of me that says "I can do it by myself". Like the 3-year-old who says, "Don't help me, i can do it by myself", I'm thinking I don't need anyone anymore, I can get along just fine with what I, and only I, have got.

Another side of me is telling me that since I clearly depend so much on my friends, I can't possibly survive alone. And maybe that's true, but even though I'm physically leaving my friends, I'm not forgetting about them, or not talking to them, or something. I can always write, I can always call, I can always depend on them and they on me. Right?

I don't want to leave my sister. I care about her so much. There's this protective side of me that's saying that leaving is a terrible idea. I don't want to be separated from her. When we were younger people used to ask all the time if we were twins. "No," we'd reply, rolling our eyes, "we're just sisters." But sometimes, as close as we are, and when I see myself reflected in her eyes and vice versa, I'm not so sure. I do not know who I am if I don't have Mary.

But there comes a time when sisters, even those as close as we, have to forge their own identities I guess. I guess that time is now.

So excited, scared, sad, unsure, nervous, joyful, confident, I am all of these things. At once. Tell me that's not confusing.

Okay So You Don't Have To Save Humanity, Maybe a Little Love Will Do?

God asks us to be like Christ, a guy who died to give people like Hitler and Osama bin Laden and me and you a chance to be saved. He put His head on the chopping block in place of everyone and anyone else's.

Even if you don't sacrifice yourself for the sake of a murderer, or a child molester, do you think you could even look at those people with love, as God does?

Do you think you could see two guys walking down the street holding hands and NOT immediately turn your nose up and think "fags"

Do you think you could look the girl in the eyes sitting in the abortion clinic and not curl your lip thinking "baby killer"? Maybe you could look at her and she would see love in your eyes.

Maybe you could look at that kid with the baggy pants and exposed boxers and NOT think "good for nothin' teenager."

In Matthew 18 Jesus tells a parable about lost sheep. He says in verse 10, "See that you do not look down on one of these little ones...what do you think? If a man owns a hundred sheep and one of them wanders away, will he not leave the others and go to look for that one? And if he finds it, I tell you the truth, he is happier about that one sheep than abut the 99 that did not wander off. In the same way you Father in heaven is not willing that any of of these little ones should be lost."

Maybe we could add "because you do not desire to bring them back" at the end of that. Jesus came to seek and save the lost. We're supposed to do the same, remember?

A Forklift Can't Turn Transformer By Itself, But a Mechanic Could Make it Into One.

Following up on the idea of being for Christlike, I think it's important to look at the impossible task of conquering human nature and realize you're not supposed to do it by yourself.

I was assigned a summer reading book for college. It's called "The Open Road: The Global Journey of the Fourteenth Dalai Lama". It's an interesting documentary-style piece that talks about the Dalai lama and who he is, both in public and in private. As a Buddhist the Dalai Lama believes that humans have a problem: it isn't war or famine or poverty- those are just symptoms. The source of these symptoms is the disease of human nature. We are our own enemy.

"[A Buddhist] brings all responsibility inward," writes the author, "so as not to waste time blaming people outside himself, but to see how he can understand (and therefore solve) the problem within."

Later he writes, "...in truth the source of all your power, your answers, lies right here, inside yourself."

Self-betterment is a worthy goal, perhaps even an achievable one. People quit smoking, learn new things, become activists, change for the better all the time. But trying to overcome human nature with human nature is futile. God doesn't ask us as Christians to lay down our lives for people we don't like, or for sinners. He's done that Himself already. He does ask us to have the desire to change, to become more like the men and women we should be. And then He promises to be with us every step of the way, guiding, supporting, and transforming us.

The desire to change is pretty important. If you don't want God messing in your life, He won't, I promise. But if you trust Him, He's gonna give you opportunity after opportunity to change and be transformed.

Being Christlike is Like Asking a Forklift to Turn into a Transformer and Save Mankind

In Philippians chapter 2 verse 5 Paul asks the congregation in Philippi to be like Christ. our lives as Christians are hugely about becoming more Christlike. I don't think very many Christians really understand what that means, let alone take it seriously. It means sacrificing YOUR life and YOUR dreams and living according to someone else's rules and someone else's goals.

Verse 5 says, "Your attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus." That is huge. We're supposed to belike Christ?! God incarnate?! It ought to be impossible. This is a guy who stepped into a courtroom full of murderers, rapists, and evil people and said, "I will take the death penalty for all these people. All of them"

How crazy is that? He died a death in place of really bad people, people he had no reason to even like, peope he should be repulsed by. You know that girl your ex cheated with? You wanna die for her? You know that guy who sexually harassed you in PE? You wanna die for him? How about the guy who broke your leg during a game and ruined your sports scholarship> You feel like dying for that guy? What about that ex best friend who told you she was just using you to get to your boyfriend? The guy who used you for sex and then dropped; the girl who told you you were fat in 7th grade?

If any on of these people were kneeling at the guillotine, would you interrup the execution, run up to the condemned and say "Step away, I'll take your place" ?

What about the Virginia Tech shooter? The pedophile who kidnaps and abuses children? The young parents who, because they couldn't stand their son's crying, abused the two-year-old until he died of internal injuries? What about the terrorists who hijacked four planes on September 11 in 2001?

Would you die for them?

Because the person we're supposed to be like, Jesus, he would. The question isn't really if you think you CAN do that. That part comes later. The question is do you WANT to do that?

Being happy in the Right Now

Philippians 4:11-12

American society discourages contentment. Instead ads tell you that you won't be happy without a certain hair product, and magazines tell you you'll be beautiful...once you buy a certain make up, and commercials say that your life could be so much better if you shopped at this-and-such a place.

Our society drives us to be "successful". We're told to climb the ladder of success, to make more money, to enjoy a higher and higher standard of living. We're expected to want more and want more and want more after that. The vicious cycle is meant to create an environment of discontent.

Admit it, you've thought that something, material or otherwise, will cause you to finally be happy, or that if some desire, if only fulfilled, would allow you to be content. "I'll be happy once I get that shirt" or "I'll be happy once I get those grades". "I'll be happy when my parents let me get texting" or "I'll be happy once I know where I'm accepted to college" I'm sure some of this sounds familiar.

Contentment isn't something I spend a lot of time thinking about or trying to achieve. A lot (And I mean a LOT) of my high school experience was about getting in and going off to college, not about enjoying the moment. It was always about getting the 'A', and adding to my resume, and improving my test scores.

During my senior year I finally slowed down enough to realize I mas missing the moments I ought to be savoring. I was always on to the next thing and accomplishing the next goal without taking time to be happy with where I was right then. I never said it out loud, but looking back I know I thought I'd be happy as a year older, happier as a senior, happier graduated, happier moved out, happier in college, happier...later.

Paul in Philippians 4 talks a little bit about being content in every situation. He says that he knows what it's like to want for things and he knows what it's like to have everything he wants, but no matter the situation he is content. He's saying that it doesn't matter where you are in your life there's things to be thankful for, reasons to be happy, moments in which to be content. It's not about being happy someday, it's about learning to be content in the right now.

Hebrews 13:5 says "Keep your lives free from the love of money and be content with what you have." If Hebrews had been written today the author may have said "Live your life free from the desire for more and be happy with your life right now."

It's not soething to think twice about. Think once, agree, and enjoy. God's given you permission, practically commanded you to be happy, so... remind me why we shouldn't?

You're Using a Power Drill to Mix Red Velvet Cake Batter?

1 Corinthians 6:12-20

Paul talks about the importance of keeping your body pure. Not for the sake of smelling awesome of having a cavity-free smile, or having good hygiene. He says in verse 13, "The body is not meant for sexual immorality, but for the Lord." So sinning sexually means you're actually misusing your body, like you read the manual wrong and you look like an idiot when you use your power drill to mix cake batter. It means when you think lustfully or desire someone's body, you are misusing that power drill.

In fact, this power drill belongs to someone else and the red velvet cake you just mixed with it ruined the bit, the mechanishm, and it's splattered with cake batter. Okay, maybe I wore out this metaphor?

Look. The point is that if you're borrowing someone else's property, you better be sure you're using it properly, you'd better treat it with respect and handle it carefully. And you'd better return it in the same condition that you received it in.

In verse 15 Paul says, "Do you not know that your bodies are members of Christ himself? Shall I then take the members of Christ and unite them with a prostitute?" Don't think of your body as your own, first of all. Second of all, don't give your borrowed body over to sin. Imagine you're borrowing a man's wife for the weekend. would you have her sleep with another man? No!

God is timeless, he is everywhere at once. That means he's outside of time and he sees us at children, as teens, and as adults at the same time. Instead of a timeline he sees one dot and inside that dot is the entire history of the universe. That means that to God, you're already married. When you kiss or give your body to another person who's not your spouse, you're doing that while married. That's how God sees it. You're married sometime down the road, so don't go giving your body to some other dude, or five other dudes for that matter.

I'm not saying that dating is necessarily bad, or that you're going to hell for kissing someone, or even for having a steamy makeout session. All I'm saying is that you might think twice about doing any of that with some who you don't think you'll be marrying any time soon. It's just something to keep in mind that your body is God's first, and that you might want to read the manual and take care of it with respect.

How you treat yourself sets the standard for others.

Take a Break!

It certainly would have been nice to take a break, but the counselors were busy. The kitchen staff kids on the other hand were not. I'm not sure I ever actually saw them doing dishes. Strange...anyway. The CITs who moved up this year gave the kitchen kids a hard time because they didn't work as hard this year.

At the end of the week the kitchen staff did their skit and it was a parody of Lonely Island's Like a Boss, with Seth Rogen and Andy Samburg. They replaced "like a boss" with "take a break" and performed it with much hilarity ensuing.

The song included lines like this: "chase some deer (take a break!) go canoeing (take a break!) take a nap (take a break!) hide from John (take a break) it's 3 o'clock (take a break) Dan wakes up (take a break!) eat some gushers (take a break!)

Very funny

Bee Attack at Camp

Unfortunately for us girls, the sand bees had moved into new holes. Right under the clothes line outside the girl's bathroom. It was hot that day, so naturally everyone had been swimming in the lake. After that, they laid out their towels on and beside the clothesline. Sooo...when they went to pick up their towels later in the evening, the girls discovered in a not so pleasant way that they'd placed their towels over the entrances to a giant bee hive underground. And all the bees inside the beehive were angry that they were trapped inside. Very angry.

Talk about mass chaos.

Kids were running and screaming, bees were everywhere, campers were crying. Tikes. One of my campers was stung and bitten. (Notice the giant biting jaws on that bee above and think about those jaws ripping out chunks of skin. Ow? uh, yeah.) From then on my entire cabin was terrified of bees. I never told them we had a wasps nest directly above our door.

Well, some of the upper staff joined together to create a Bee Eradication Force, and sprayed the entire are for bees, and filled in all the holes, and ran in a panic from any buzzing noises they heard. After an entire day of the BEF eradicating all the bees, the problem was taken care of.

Or so we thought.

A couple days later the power went out. The camp is supplied electricity by an underground power cable. The rangers may not have believed us, but we know it was the bees. Those angry angry bees trapped underground got back at us for spraying them.

Notes from Sam's Messages

It's really easy to sit back and think you're a Christian, when you're not.

A lot of times, especially in America, kids are raised in the church, or raised to believe in God, and they think they're set. They call themselves born again Christians, and they've heard Bible stories, and they understand "Christian-ese", but that doesn't make you a Christian. You believe in God, that's great, but even the demons believe in God. There's more to it than that.

God doesn't want you to be a person that's just half-hearted. Don't walk the line. At all. Either pick the world or pick God, but pick a side.

Even worse than unbelief is lukewarm-ness, and people who pass themselves off as Christians, but don't truly want to change, or disturb their lifestyle. If your relationship with Christ hasn't changed you, then do you really have a relationship with Jesus Christ, or are you just lukewarm? Because it's one thing to conform to the ways of the world, but quite another to claim Christianity, but appear no different than everyone else. Christians are set apart by God, they're "new creations". So be hot or cold, not lukewarm.

Read in Ephesians 6 about the Armor of God. Now think about it: do we have any of these things ourselves? No, all of this armor, these weapons are from God! We can't save ourselves.

A lot of times it's easy to depend on ourselves, to trust our own judgment, to make our own plans, when really we should be seeking the will of God and asking for his armor, rather than attempting to defend ourselves without it.

Being Salty

"If you just look like salt, but you're not affecting anyone, you're not salt, you just look like it."

Sam, our missionary at camp this year, talked a little bit about being salt and light on Monday and the part above really stood out to me. I'd never head it put that way before and that's really stuck in my mind.

A lot of the things Sam said made me re-evaluate my walk with God and made me realize that thinking I'm a Christian doesn't make me a Christian.

I was talking about this with Peter too, that you can't just believe parts of the Bible, like the peart where you go to heaven, and ignore the part where it tells you to love your neighbor.

It made me think that a lot of times I just look like salt. I go to church, I'm involved in ministry, I go to youth, but I'm not affecting anyone. I'm not changing lives, I'm not even planting seeds. Most of the time I blend right in with everyone else. And I don't think that's ok anymore.

Sam sort of opened my eyes and shot an arrow right through my heart saying "You just look like salt."

I don't want to settle for just looking like salt anymore.

I'll Say I'll See You Soon

I think God must've sent you to me
To hold me close and to be what I need
'cause when you look into my eyes I know you understand
and when you put your arms around me it's to hold me up when I can't
When we sat around the fire on the very last night
I put my head against your shoulder and all I could do was to cry
Because you and this camp are my source of light
and I have to leave it all for a land of black night
I spend the rest of the year waiting to come back
and when I see what I'm missing I can't stand to leave all that
So all I can do is cry silently
against the shoulder of the friend who's holding me tightly
and the more you say it's okay the more I think it's not.
Because friends like you aren't the ones I've got
So then Madi comes over and wipes the tears from my face
she has a Bible in her hand and tells me not to be afrai
This girl is 12 years old and she prays over me
Speaking the Word of the Lord like an angel to me
She brushes the hair from my face and you wipe a tear from my nose
and my heart breaks it's so full of more love than you know
So when I say I think God must've sent you to me
I'm serious it's because my prayers have been answered for me
And I'm crying from happiness, I'm crying from love
I'm crying because you're angels sent to me from the God above.
I'm crying because it'll be a year before I see you smile again
and because I only have a few more hours to hug my friends
and I miss you so much, I miss you so much
and I love you so much, I love you so much
So I'll say I'll see you soon, I can't say goodbye
Make me laugh soon or I'll never stop crying.

I'll Be Your Sunshine

Everyone deserves a little happiness in their life
Everyone needs a ray of sunshine to shine so bright
and you deserve to be happy
deserve to have sunshine
I wanna be that happiness for you
I wanna be that happiness for you

I wanna make you smile
I wanna make you laugh
I wanna give you hope
I'll chase away your sad
I wanna hug you tight
I wanna shine so bright
And when you feel bad in your life
Look at me, look at me, I'll shine so bright
Look at me, look at me, I'll hold you tight
Look at me, look at me, I'll love you right

Everyone deserves a little happiness in their life
needs someone to say "keep battlin' in this fight"
It's too easy to get low
too easy to let go
You need a little sunshine, need a little light
I wanna be that happiness so bright
I wanna be that happiness for you
I wanna be that happiness for you

I wanna make you smile
I wanna make you laugh
I wanna give you hope
I'll chase away your sad
I wanna hug you tight
I wanna shine so bright
And when you feel bad in your life
Look at me, look at me, I'll shine so bright
Look at me, look at me, I'll hold you tight
Look at me, look at me, I'll love you right

I Never Expected This

I never expected this, I never expected you
I was never s'posed to be scared of losing anyone like you
There was never supposed to be someone that I would have to leave
and how can I take back my heart when you've taken over me?
So I'll say I'm fearless but I do have one fear
and it's the day we'll say the words we're both scared to hear

So we'll make our time last forever
Freeze our oments spent together
We've got three more weeks and a graduation
and three months of a summer vacation
We'll fly far, and we'll fly free
I'll hold you and you'll hold me

Well your dad yells and mine growls constant threats
Your mom smiles and mine cries that I'll have regrets
You werent in their picture of my perfection
You weren't in their plan for my direction
And I'm fearless to the world but I have one fear
and that's the day I can't hold you near

So we'll make our time last forever
We'll freeze our moments spent together
We've got three more weeks and a graduation
and three months of a summer vacation
so we'll fly far, and we'll fly free
and I'll hold you, and you'll hold me

There was never s'posed to be someone that I would have to leave
I would never have had to miss someone who was never close to me
Sometimes when you hold me and you look at me you say
"I just wanna be with you" and I can't tell you to leave me someday
So I can't say I'm fearless 'cause sometimes I'm scared
of that day we'll both find out just how much I care

We have to make our time last forever
And freeze our moments spent together
We've got three more weeks and a graduation
and three months of a summer vacation
and we'll fly far, and we'll fly free
Oh I'll hold you, and you'll hold me...

Until You Can Quit It

17 May 2009

You say you wanted me to be your everything
That it was more than just a one night fligh
and when I told you no you thought you'd be fine
and then it hit you hard one more time
That it was not, not anybody else you wanted,
You called me up to say you thought it could work

But I say
Lose the bottle and lose the booze
'cause it's a game you always lose
Don't tell me that I'm all you want
When every weekend you're out downing shots

You let that drink control you
And I'm not about to hold you
When you've got one hand in mine
and the other on the drink that's one your mind
So until you can quit it
you can just forget it

I break my heart saying it was just a one night fling
You don't want me to be your everything
And I can't see your eyes but I can hear it in your voice
That I've hurt you a lot and you don't wanna make this choice
So I let you off the hook and I say we could never work
and the pain of breaking won't add up to the reward it's worth

So I just say
You couldn't lose the bottle or lose the booze
"cause that's a game you'll always lose
Don't tell me I'm all you want
When every weekend you're out downing shots
You'll let that drink control you
and I'm not about to hold you
When you've got one hand in mine
and the other on the drink that's on your mind
So because you can't quit it
You can just forget it

"You're Supposed to Feel Alone"

I tried to tell you once, I tried to tell you twice
I cried to you all flipping night
I said "hey mom and dad, I feel like a stranger
and I hate you a lot with all of this anger
but it makes me sad to feel so alone
I don't wanna hate you anymore, I just wanna come home"

I was cryin out to you with arms outstretched
"Won't you love me again?" and my tears confessed
that for the first time I wasn't tellin' you a lie
But you just looked at me so cold
And told me I was s'posed to feel alone
I just don't understand
I said "love me!" but you can't?

I said I didn't trust you so I'd kept to myself
every secret I had, every feeling I'd felt
I said "hey mom and dad I feel like a stranger
but I don't wanna hate you anymore with all of this anger"
But you looked in my eyes and you raised your hands
and you yelled in my face "I don't give a damn"

I was cryin' out to you with arms outstretched
"Won't you love me again?" and my tears confessed
that for the first time I wasn't tellin' you a lie
But you just looked at me so cold
And told me I was s'posed to feel alone
I just don't understand
I said "love me!" but you can't?

I told you you were emotionally unavailable
but your hard hearts made you totally unassailable
and there I was, snigging and crying and pouring out my hear
and you took the opportunity to tear me apart.
So in my own family I'll keep feelin' like a stranger
And I'll pretend I'm fine and keep hidin' my anger

I was cryin' out to you with arms outstretched
"Won't you love me again?" and my tears confessed
that for the first time I wasn't tellin' you a lie
But you just looked at me so cold
And told me I was s'posed to feel alone
I just don't understand
I said "love me!" but you can't?

I told you how I felt really sad and alone
and you took the opportunity to have me Biblically stoned?
So screw you, you don't wanna be my parents? Then don't.
But don't look to me when you're old and alone.
You'll say to me "we gave you everything, how could we know?"
But you knew you were holding back what I needed most
And when I came to you in honesty looking for love
You said I didn't need it, what I had was enough.
I was confused and you made me feel ashamed
But I shouldn't have hoped you could possibly change.
So please please please now that I know where you stand
Stay away from me until you give a damn.


I wrote this after a fight I had with my parents. I was so, so upset by what they had said to me. I was so hurt, and whether they'd meant to make me feel this way or not, the message I got was that they didn't want to parent me and that I didn't need their love. Try swallowing that after you sob to them for an hour and a half about how you feel alone without them.

I Think That You Should Know

03.08.29

So I have trust issues, so I'm afraid of being close
There are reasons for these walls and I think that you should know
That I'm worth having, but you don't get me for free
and I'm beggin' you to chase me, but I won't be cheap
'Cause I'm not afraid of sayin' that you scare me shitless
So prove to me I won't regret this
I might get scared and try to run
i might be hesitant but don't give up
If I get scared try to understand
that all you need to do is hold my hand
I need someone who's gonna hold me tight
who won't let go of me through the night
'Cause I put up all these walls to protect my heart
and it won't be easy to take 'em apart
I've become so scared of bein' hurt
that reaching out is hard, you'll have to do it first
But please do do it before my feet start to run
and a heart attack kills me and I have to be done
I have trust issues and I'm afraid of bein' close
There're reasons for those walls, butt I think that you should know
that I couldn't want somethin more
Than somethin' I can't hope for