I Think That You Should Know

03.08.29

So I have trust issues, so I'm afraid of being close
There are reasons for these walls and I think that you should know
That I'm worth having, but you don't get me for free
and I'm beggin' you to chase me, but I won't be cheap
'Cause I'm not afraid of sayin' that you scare me shitless
So prove to me I won't regret this
I might get scared and try to run
i might be hesitant but don't give up
If I get scared try to understand
that all you need to do is hold my hand
I need someone who's gonna hold me tight
who won't let go of me through the night
'Cause I put up all these walls to protect my heart
and it won't be easy to take 'em apart
I've become so scared of bein' hurt
that reaching out is hard, you'll have to do it first
But please do do it before my feet start to run
and a heart attack kills me and I have to be done
I have trust issues and I'm afraid of bein' close
There're reasons for those walls, butt I think that you should know
that I couldn't want somethin more
Than somethin' I can't hope for

You Know I'm Scared, Right?

Once upon a time I thought I'd be okay
Thought the dreams about him would go away
Once upon a time I thought my heart was whole
But there are pieces missing and I'm alone
Months pass by and I watch them go
I finally give up 'cause you can't kill ghosts

It's been a long time since I felt this way
It's been a long time since caring made me feel afraid
And I'm so scared of you
'Cause when I care
My heart goes with you when you walk away
(and they always walk away)

Tired of feelin' sorry and of feelin' sayd
Gotta move on and quit feelin' this bad
tired of bein' lonely and waitin' around
I'm tired of bein lost, I wanna be found
So I'll open up a little and tear down some walls
It's like jumpin' off a cliff hopin' someone'll catch your fall

It's been a long time since I felt this way

It's been a long time since caring made me feel afraid

And I'm so scared of you

'Cause when I care

My heart goes with you when you walk away

(and they always walk away)

That's why I'm scared, that's why I'm afraid
I'm not sure if I could bear to lose what I'd gain
The hard part isn't givin' my heart away
It's puttin' it back into my chest when you give it back someday

It's been a long time since I felt this way

It's been a long time since caring made me feel afraid

And I'm so scared of you

'Cause when I care

My heart goes with you when you walk away

(and they always walk away)

Just Go Away

I tried to wait, I really did
I waited all last year through chem
I though I'd learned, I really did
But I just felt disappointed
Over once, over again
Finally gave up and now I just pretend
I just don't know how you can't see
And I've say around enough waiting
You know I wish I could just walk away
But I can't seem to change my ways
And I can't think how to save
The heart you hold that I once gave
So I guess we'll play the game
Where i pretend that nothing's changed
So we'll just see how far it goes
I'm putting on quite a show
Ad faking that I don't care
Is not as hard as knowing you really don't care
And what's even worse is that it went so far
and now i just feel stupid

It Was You Who Helped Me Go

I've been sittin' here so long
Tryin' to write you a song
That could maybe explain
The difference you've made

You were the hands to pull me up
The arms to hug me close
You let me learn to trust
When my heart had turned so cold
When I had nowhere to turn
You were there to catch my fall
When there were lessons to be learned
You were there through it all
If I didn't know what to do
I would come to you
And you would remind me of the road
That I was s'posed to be on

You really changed my life
and I think that you should know
That when I spread my wings to fly
It was you who helped me go

There is No Happily Ever After

When Aaron was younger,
he's always been smaller,
He was just like you or me
what his parents told him to be
People sometimes said he didn't smile much
Sometimes they said he didn't laugh enough
When it came time to go, nobody knew why,
Little Aaron might suddenly have a tear in his eye
But he took his daddy's hand and he went away
With that awful look on his face every single day

We didn't know that when we let him go
Aaron's daddy would take him home
And beat his little body with his bare fists
And shout into his face with his flying spit
We didn't know that Aaron had broken bones
had a broken spirit and felt all alone
Sometimes he didn't want to sit in his chair
because his mommy had spanked him 'til it was purple back there

One day Aaron told my mom and dad everything
He didn't cry when he showed the ugly blue-black rings
Left by his daddy's heavy fists
Left by his mommy's anger fits
I took Aaron's hand and I held it tight
I told him I thought everything would be alright
But Aaron didn't move, he just sat like a stone
For and hour and a half he stayed so cold
And just as he began to lift
One corner of his frowning granite lips

Aaron's daddy stepped right through the front door
As me and limp Aaron sank to the floor
I told him that I wouldn't let go
But Aaron's eyes stayed dead, his mouth in an "O"
His daddy took his shirt and dragged him and me
'Cause I couldn't let go after promising
My head hit the door frame, I didn't mean to lose my grip
The last thing I saw were Aaron's reaching fingertips
His daddy put him in the car and and they drove away
And I haven't seen Aaron since that day

Now Aaron spends his days in an empty cell
It used to be his bedroom, now an echoing shell
Sometime his mommy brings him food and he eats off the floor
I don't know how much they let him outdoors
Sometimes I sit outside his window and let myself cry
All the tears Aaron doesn't and wonder why
Who would want to hurt such a beautiful boy?
Who would dare to abuse him like some cheap toy?
And I cry for Aaron, I cry 'cause he won't
As he sits in the dark, hurt and alone

Why Don't I Hate it Here?

I don't wanna go, but I wanna move on
I don't wanna cry but these tears still come
And I hate it here, so just tell me why
I can't stand to leave so I stand and cry
This place, it took me so far away
From everything I knew in just one day
With all I've been through how can I say
I don't hate it here, when did that change?

Well it's you, you've made this place my home
It's you, you told me I could own
My future and my life, through God and Jesus Christ
So thank you, thank you for my life
Just thank you, thank you for these eyes
So I can see the light of this brand new sun rise
It's you, who had the love to say
That everything would work out okay
So from me to you, just thank you

When I had to leave I though my life was over
from everything I knew to trying to start over
When you're hurt that bad it's hard to stay
To just hang on to each new lifeless day
This place, it took me so far away
From everything I knew in just one day
With all I've been through how can I say
I don't hate it here, when did that change?

Well it's you, you've made this place my home
It's you, you told me I could own
My future and my life, through God and Jesus Christ
So thank you, thank you for my life
Just thank you, thank you for these eyes
So I can see the light of this brand new sun rise
It's you, who had the love to say
That everything would work out okay
So from me to you, just thank you

When you're in the dark, there is nothing else
You feel so alone and all by yourself
There's no one to turn to, there's nowhere to run
You hurt so much you just wanna be done
This place it took me so far away
From everything I knew in just one day
With all I've been through how can I say
I don't hate it here, When did that change?

Well it's you, you've made this place my home
It's you, you told me I could own
My future and my life, through God and Jesus Christ
So thank you, thank you for my life
Just thank you, thank you for these eyes
So I can see the light of this brand new sun rise
It's you, who had the love to say
That everything would work out okay
So from me to you, just thank you

I don't want to leave, but I know I'll survive
Moving out, moving forward, to a new life
Now as I look back never thought I'd regret
Leaving the place of so much regret
And this place it took me so far away
From everything I knew in just one day
With all I've been through how can I say
I don't hate it here, when did that change?

Well it's you, you've made this place my home
It's you, you told me I could own
My future and my life, through God and Jesus Christ
So thank you, thank you for my life
Just thank you, thank you for these eyes
So I can see the light of this brand new sun rise
It's you, who had the love to say
That everything would work out okay
So from me to you, just thank you

I'm Eighteen and I'm Not a Legal Adult?

From the December issue of The Brand

Having just celebrated my eighteenth birthday, I am enjoying my status as a legal adult. I no

longer have to worry about Winnemucca’s curfew, I’ve received several calls from military recruiters, and I had the privilege of voting in the presidential election as well; I even emporarily considered moving out just because I could, but concluded a few minutes later that I enjoy the bed and the free food far too much to move out. However, going over my new rights as a legal adult, I realized that I still must wait to receive the full extent of my rights as an American citizen; for some reason I will be denied the right to drink an alcoholic beverage for another three years.

Honestly, I have been unable to uncover a legitimate argument against 18- year-olds drinking alcohol that cannot be easily dismissed. Some have told me that they think it’s a health risk or a safety hazard to 18-year-olds or those around them. But come on, 18-yearolds are permitted to buy and smoke cigarettes, which is not only dangerous to one’s own health, but endangers others as well. Smoking and the second- hand smoke it produces have been linked to such killers as cancer, heart disease, and emphysema. On the other hand, numerous studies have suggested that drinking alcohol in moderation can actually benefit your health. In fact, the Mayo Clinic advises that a moderate alcohol intake of two drinks a day can reduce your risk of heart attack and heart disease, diabetes, and stroke.

What safety hazards does drinking alcohol present specifically to my 18- year-old self that don’t equally apply to my 21-year-old brother? Yes, drinking a bottle of Russian vodka and then driving home, poses a significant health risk both to the drunk driver and others on the road, but is a drunk driver any less drunk on his 21st birthday than his 18th?

Drinking a piña colada doesn’t pose nearly the health risk signing up for the Army might. It’s an honor to have the right to fight and die for our country; it’s a heavy responsibility to be able to influence the future of the world by voting; but for some reason 18-yearolds aren’t equipped with the ability to drink safely or responsibly. If I’m mature enough to be handed an automatic weapon and shipped off to a foreign country to kill the enemies of America, how can I not be mature or responsible enough to drink?

Quantum of Solace

I wrote this review for The Brand, my school's newspaper.

Tuxedos, martinis, and golden guns belong to the world of the dashing James Bond we know and love.

This is not classic Bond.

Connery, Moore, and Brosnan were suave and gentlemanly, and notoriously womanizing; Daniel Craig’s Bond is a rough and rugged representation of the MI6 agent before he became charming or conceived of his infamous “Bond, James Bond” line. A gritty backdrop and a bitter, brooding Bond allow the audience to glimpse the darker side of the British secret agent we once thought we knew. Although I once had misgivings about Craig’s being cast, his performance in “Casino Royale” last year and now “Quantum” have proven him worthy of this newly renovated Bond.

“Quantum of Solace” opens mere moments after “Casino” leaves off. Bond had been enamored with lover Vesper Lynd (Eva Green), who then betrayed her agent boyfriend and committed suicide in front of him by drowning herself. Filled with searing rage at Vesper’s betrayal, but also deeply troubled by his true love’s death, Bond is now smitten with sweet Revenge. Driven by his anger, Bond sets out to get even with the crooks responsible for Vesper’s betrayal and death, and he’ll kill anyone stupid enough to get in his way. Judi Dench plays “M”, Bond’s sensible boss, who finds it increasingly difficult to control an agent who has suddenly and violently turned rogue.

Naturally, Bond’s vengeance is served quite nobly in the end, and naturally his wrath is appeased after shooting, throttling, and killing as many thugs as he can. Just as naturally Bond meets mysterious and angst-filled Russian beauty, Camille (Olga Kurylenko), whom he can’t fall in love with because of Vesper- baggage, but must aid anyway because she’s a damsel in distress out for the same revenge Bond is looking for.

Although “Quantum” has been critically acclaimed for being action packed and “gritty” and “raw”, I find myself missing the old Bond a bit, with his “Bond, James Bond” and his famous martini, shaken not stirred, which have been noticeably absent from the new films. “Quantum” does provide a second look at the womanizing James Bond of previous films, allowing a more real, more human James Bond to emerge. Craig’s performances have truly been top-notch, as he exhibits his expansive range of talent. Whether he’s being angry and smoldering, or seductively chivalrous, or killing someone in cold blood, Craig can pull it off.

In fact, Craig’s emotional Bond proves the most interesting aspect of “Quantum” as the story, which centers around a political message, never gets better than boring. But seriously, it has a boat chase, a car chase, evil villains, sultry women, fancy cars, big explosions, and a good-lookin’ hero- what more could you want from James Bond?

Nicaragua

For all of you wondering about my trip to Nicaragua:

My trip to Nicaragua was incredible. My dad and I drove five hours from Winnemucca to Salt Lake City and then flew out the following morning to Atlanta. We were supposed to fly out from Houston, but because of Hurricane Ike, all flights from Houston were on permanent hold. We met up with a few other team members in Atlanta and then we all flew out together to Managua, the capital of Nicaragua. We stayed in a Best Western there with our whole team and commuted on our bus each day to the little village of Los Brasiles.

We saw about 1,400 people at our clinic over about four or five days. We had a team of around 20 people and then each person had a translator. We were set up in a school so each "clinic" was inside a room of the school. Patients went first to a pastor's station where each and every one of them heard the gospel. Then they went to the nurse's station where they were sorted to whichever clinic they wanted to go to. We had an eyeglasses clinic, a gynocology clinic, a pediatrics/kids clinic, a general med clinic, a dental clinic with cleanings, fillings, and extractions, and even a mobile surgery unit, which was basically a top-rate RV revamped with an OR inside, for minor surgeries. After patients visited with a doctor they were given a "prescription" which they could take to the pharmacy. We had a ton of medications, but of course we were mostly distributing things like tylenol, antiparasitics, antibiotics, cough medicine, vitamins, and other basic medications. In addition to the clinic, our team also held a vacation Bible school for kids and a week-long workshop for about fifteen local pastors and their wives.

I worked mostly in the dental clinic, holding flashlights as lights for fillings and prepping syringes and trays for the dentists. Let me just tell you that extractions are not at all fun to watch. I also got to observe a minor surgery, which was pretty interesting. I worked with the kids quite a bit, in and out of the VBS. They really liked having their picture taken and then seeing themselves on the camera's screen. Our team also split up sometimes to do "house calls" to bring medical attention to the few people who were too sick or too handicapped to make it to the clinic. Unfortunately, if they were too sick come a short ways to the clinic, they were usually too sick for us to help them in any substantial way. My dad and I went on a couple of house calls, but we weren't able to really provide any medical aid so much as spiritual support.

At one particular home, where a family of eleven lived, we saw several patients. The grandmother had had hip surgery a few years ago, but her hip hadn't healed correctly and as a result she could no longer walk without excruciating pain. We provided the woman with some painkillers, but could do nothing for her legs, even though she pleaded with us to give a medication that would let her walk again. Her son had been an alcoholic for most of his life and had probably been sick for a long time. By examining him we discovered that his liver and kidney failure was pretty advanced; we gave him some medication for pain, but his condition is fatal. The last family member we saw was the sixteen-year-old granddaughter who was pregnant out of wedlock. The girl had a minor rash, so my dad gave her a cream that would take care of it. Just by chance (or maybe it was a God thing?) my dad had happened to bring his fetal Doppler heart tone monitor. When that girl heard her baby's heartbeat for the first time...it was so amazing. Our translator was just as moved as he said "There is life!"

By Saturday we had packed up the temporary clinic, but we planned to make a quick stop at the dump, which is pretty much acres and acres of trash. For as far as you can see, it's just mountains of trash in all directions. The worst part isn't the garbage, it's the thousands of people who live inside the dump, collecting and selling recyclables because they have no other way to survive. We had thought Los Brasiles was poor, but the dump community was the definition of abject poverty. These people had made their homes out of trash and scraps from the dump. It was especially sad to see barefoot kids, clothed in rags, collecting trash for their families.

We left on Sunday, from Managua to Atlanta to Salt Lake again. Unfortunately, our luggage was lost because we switched flights, but it was delivered to our home Monday morning. The five hour drive back from Salt Lake Sunday night was a time for reflection and digestion of all that we'd seen and experienced. I went to school the next day and my dad returned to work and even though it seems like our routines haven't changed, I know neither one of us will ever be the same.

Coming back to the States after a trip like this is difficult. To see the opportunities and freedoms and luxuries we as Americans are afforded is astounding. In a few days you'll sit down to a huge thanksgiving meal, and as you do that remember what God has given you and really really thank Him for that. And please say a prayer for the Nicaraguans in Los Brasiles and in the dump, that God would bless them and take care of them and that they would come to know him. This account has taken me numerous sit-downs to write, so I apologize that it's taken me so long. And this isn't even the whole story. It's so hard to put into words the sights and sounds and tastes of Nicaragua, the poverty, the pollution, the people. But this is the best I can do.

Thanks so much for your prayers and support,


Katy

Niceragua

My dad and I leave for Nicaragua September 13. Keep us in prayer...

Forever is a Long, Long Time

And I haven't written in forever. But here I am, writing again. When life gets busy and full, it's hard to try to justify putting my thoughts into cyberspace. Anyway, I just got back from CAMA Camp and it was amazing as usual. But Camp this year was more than "usual". I met a lot of new people and I'm beginning to realize that even though I only see these people once a year at this camp, I think they're going to be my life-long friends. I mean, I think it's these people who are going to be the ones I can turn to in times of trouble.

So Camp is physically exhausting, you know, but more than that, it's like standing under the Niagra Falls of God and Jesus and faith and Christianity and spiritual warfare and worship and yeah. It's an incredible sensation to be totally immersed in God and in the Word for an entire week. And I feel my faith being built and I feel God tugging on my heart and I can hear His voice again and what a joy that is. To have gone so long without thinking about what God wanted for me- that was just wrong. But I'm back on the path now. I'm picking my way along the straight and narrow and I'm setting out, I'm resolving, I'm vowing to use this next year to become more like the woman God wants me to be. I'm going to be growing a lot this year. I think God is really going to be stretching me and I'm going to try to really read my Bible everyday and dig in to the Word and I'm going to relinquish control. I don't know if you know how hard that will be for me, so let me explain. I'm a little OCD, I guess, and I'm a very controlling person. I like to have control of my life. I need to have control of my life, but I can't do it anymore, it's just too much weight, too much for me to carry on my own, so God is gonna have to help me from now on, because I have to give it up. There's this Hillsong song that the speaker at camp played one night and it goes "Bring me to my knees, Lord I lay me down, rid me of myself, I belong to you" And that's so true for me.

Here's a shout-out to John and Keshia, Dan and Mel, Damaris and Hannah, Connor and Lace. Love you guys.

THAT girl

I don't really know why, but for some reason I'm not "That" girl. I'm not the girl guys seem to ask to lunch or dinner or dances. And for a while I struggled with that, wondering "what's wrong with me? why am I so undesirable?" But the thing is, as far as I can figure, I wouldn't really want to be That girl anyway. Being That girl means I have to be someone I'm not, and I know that there are certain, great qualities about me that prevent me from being Her. And I think that's a good thing. I don't want to be someone else; I don't want to be That girl; I just want to be me.

Philosophical Question of the Day:

If we all boycotted crappy movies, would Hollywood stop making them?


Go to Film Fancy to read about Step Up 2: The Streets.