So this Friday I'm headed off to college, and like an early pilot testing his flimsy newfangled flying machine at the turn of the 20th century, I guess I'm a little scared I might crash and burn. But on the other hand, do you think the Wright brothers at Kitty Hawk on December 17th, 1903 were more scared, or more excited that they were about to change the world and take flight? I guess that's how I feel. Maybe I should be more scared, everyone expects me to be, they won't stop asking about it. But I'm just a jumble of scared and excited, fight and flight, adrenaline and lead feet.
There's a part of me that doesn't want to leave where I am. I'm comfortable here, I'm fed, clothed, taken care of, and maybe I'm not particularly excited to leave that comfort zone. There's a part of me that says "I can do it by myself". Like the 3-year-old who says, "Don't help me, i can do it by myself", I'm thinking I don't need anyone anymore, I can get along just fine with what I, and only I, have got.
Another side of me is telling me that since I clearly depend so much on my friends, I can't possibly survive alone. And maybe that's true, but even though I'm physically leaving my friends, I'm not forgetting about them, or not talking to them, or something. I can always write, I can always call, I can always depend on them and they on me. Right?
I don't want to leave my sister. I care about her so much. There's this protective side of me that's saying that leaving is a terrible idea. I don't want to be separated from her. When we were younger people used to ask all the time if we were twins. "No," we'd reply, rolling our eyes, "we're just sisters." But sometimes, as close as we are, and when I see myself reflected in her eyes and vice versa, I'm not so sure. I do not know who I am if I don't have Mary.
But there comes a time when sisters, even those as close as we, have to forge their own identities I guess. I guess that time is now.
So excited, scared, sad, unsure, nervous, joyful, confident, I am all of these things. At once. Tell me that's not confusing.
No comments:
Post a Comment