Kendra and Andy's Song

Here you can see all this past history
Song after song tryin' to say what you've meant to me
But there's just so much to say
and my words came out faster as tears anyway
So I have to write this down so the words will flow
If I tried to say it out loud you know I'd choke
For the pas month and a half I've had this lump in my throat
How can I leave the two anchors who kept me afloat?
Throughout storm after storm, through the treacherous waves
You've never wavered, never stumbled, never caved
I was on this ship, Titanic, and it was going down
You pulled me up and outta the water before I drowned.
You wrapped a friendship blanket around me and said "You can survive"
And the warmth started to thaw my blind frozen eyes
This was no black hole I was fallin' in
It was just a dark tunnel and there was light at the end
I had literally though I might be better off dead
When you shook me awake and whispered "Try living again"
I was so terrified of going to sleep
I saw dark shadows and dreamed horrible dreams
Of terrors and monsters and nightmare things
Of fear and loneliness and birds without wings
The demons saw I was weak and they clawed at me
Chaining me up telling me I'd never be free
You shined the light of Christ into a dark dark life
And freed a scared lost girl who'd given up the fight
I just want you to know, I just want you to know
That before you took my hand I'd thought I was entirely, no joke, alone.
You set me on my feet and said it would be okay
You helped me learn to walk again and quit being afraid
I don't think you knew what you were doing in my life at the time
But know now you did more than talk to me for hours at a time
You never EVER told me you didn't have time for me
And you helped me remember the person I could be
I think I've cried a lot, but you made me laugh more
Made me realize I don't have to be sad anymore
You two have made me laugh longer and harder than ever before
Remember the time you said that thing about that movie that you mighta lost your pants for?
Or when we laughed for days over a remark Jayme had made
Or the time SOMEbody's gum ended up in the bottom of my lemonade?
If I've ever been in love, I fell in love with your boys
and running around in your backyard throwing dripping tennis balls Ginger destroys
You guys have played so many roles in my life
Teacher, mentor, sister, brother, friend, and guiding light
I don't know how to thank you or even put into words
The difference you made in the once scared lost little girl
I'll admit as I write this a tear or two is staining the page
But it's okay 'cause I know I'm not lost or afraid

Sticks and Stones Will Bruise My Bones, But Words Will Surely Destroy Me

"I hate you", "you're fat" and "you disgust me"
The words are just words but they still hurt me
We had a fight and I walked away
and now it's over is what you say
But your abuse keeps coming from left and right
Brutal gladiator wounds to make me cry
You say I mean nothing, what we had was a joke
You say I was easy and your eyes are cold
I thought we were stronger
But I was wrong, I'm not strong enough for this
I'm trying to move on, but you won't let me
every time I take a step you drag me back ten feet

With these words like bricks smashing into my skull
with these words like fists crushing into my soul
Like I can't take a breath I'm suffocating
These verbal weapons are exterminating
All I can do is hit the floor
and think about everything and cry some more

My Mom calls me a bitch and says I'm a whore
She's told me I'm worthless since I was four
They say not to believe her, but how can I not?
I am weak and stupid, and it's all my fault
I know I'm not worth much so I let them use me
for sex, for fun, I let them abuse me
People have tried to tell me I'm so much more
But I think they're wrong, I know I'm a whore
I moved out of my house and my mother's dead,
Still her words are all I think about trapped in my head
It didn't matter what anyone said
I sat down in the bathtub, cut my wrists, and bled.

It was those words like bricks smashing into my skull
With those words like fists crushing into my soul
like I couldn't breath I suffocated
By verbal weapons I was exterminated
All I could do was hit the floor
and think about everything 'til I couldn't cry no more

Well my parents tell me that I should try harder
That I should be better, be a lot smarter
When I brought home a "B" - the best I could do
My dad said "Are you gonna be a failure all your life too?"
Nothing I did could be good enough
My passions were nothing, they were just stuff
An "A" was a should-been A-plus
And better SAT scores were a major must
A compliment was a coulda-done-better
A friend? Sit down, do schoolwork, forget her
So I studied hard in how to be a better version of me
Knowing me as myself is a not good enough me

And their words like bricks smash into my skull
with their words like fists crushing into my soul
Like I can't breath I'm suffocating
With verbal weapons They're exterminating
All I can do is hit the flood
And think about everything and cry some more

But We Keep Coming Back For More

Waves of the ocean tumble over me like waves of the ocean
Crushing 20-foot breakers leaving holes, leaving 20-foot craters
The dangerous surf of emotional games
is a dangerous turf that should never be played
But tell that to any girl in the whole world and she'll laugh in your face through emotional pain
'Cause deny it or not you're like an addict who's just been caught
With a bag of white pills and a razor blade,
a white line on the table and guilt on your face
Like a fat kid caught red handed,
like an anorexic defending when it's demanded
Like a bulimic girl with her finger down her throat
looks up to see her little brother pointing her out to the folks
Like Barry Bonds on steroids claims he doesn't know
Which is like swallow Britney's virginity at 18 years old
Like the fans who think MJ faked his death
Turn reality to fantasy it's for the best
So while waves of emotion tumble over me like waves of the ocean
Crushing 20-foot breakers leaving holes, leaving 20-foot craters

The Flimsy Newfangled Flying Machine That is Me

So this Friday I'm headed off to college, and like an early pilot testing his flimsy newfangled flying machine at the turn of the 20th century, I guess I'm a little scared I might crash and burn. But on the other hand, do you think the Wright brothers at Kitty Hawk on December 17th, 1903 were more scared, or more excited that they were about to change the world and take flight? I guess that's how I feel. Maybe I should be more scared, everyone expects me to be, they won't stop asking about it. But I'm just a jumble of scared and excited, fight and flight, adrenaline and lead feet.

There's a part of me that doesn't want to leave where I am. I'm comfortable here, I'm fed, clothed, taken care of, and maybe I'm not particularly excited to leave that comfort zone. There's a part of me that says "I can do it by myself". Like the 3-year-old who says, "Don't help me, i can do it by myself", I'm thinking I don't need anyone anymore, I can get along just fine with what I, and only I, have got.

Another side of me is telling me that since I clearly depend so much on my friends, I can't possibly survive alone. And maybe that's true, but even though I'm physically leaving my friends, I'm not forgetting about them, or not talking to them, or something. I can always write, I can always call, I can always depend on them and they on me. Right?

I don't want to leave my sister. I care about her so much. There's this protective side of me that's saying that leaving is a terrible idea. I don't want to be separated from her. When we were younger people used to ask all the time if we were twins. "No," we'd reply, rolling our eyes, "we're just sisters." But sometimes, as close as we are, and when I see myself reflected in her eyes and vice versa, I'm not so sure. I do not know who I am if I don't have Mary.

But there comes a time when sisters, even those as close as we, have to forge their own identities I guess. I guess that time is now.

So excited, scared, sad, unsure, nervous, joyful, confident, I am all of these things. At once. Tell me that's not confusing.

Okay So You Don't Have To Save Humanity, Maybe a Little Love Will Do?

God asks us to be like Christ, a guy who died to give people like Hitler and Osama bin Laden and me and you a chance to be saved. He put His head on the chopping block in place of everyone and anyone else's.

Even if you don't sacrifice yourself for the sake of a murderer, or a child molester, do you think you could even look at those people with love, as God does?

Do you think you could see two guys walking down the street holding hands and NOT immediately turn your nose up and think "fags"

Do you think you could look the girl in the eyes sitting in the abortion clinic and not curl your lip thinking "baby killer"? Maybe you could look at her and she would see love in your eyes.

Maybe you could look at that kid with the baggy pants and exposed boxers and NOT think "good for nothin' teenager."

In Matthew 18 Jesus tells a parable about lost sheep. He says in verse 10, "See that you do not look down on one of these little ones...what do you think? If a man owns a hundred sheep and one of them wanders away, will he not leave the others and go to look for that one? And if he finds it, I tell you the truth, he is happier about that one sheep than abut the 99 that did not wander off. In the same way you Father in heaven is not willing that any of of these little ones should be lost."

Maybe we could add "because you do not desire to bring them back" at the end of that. Jesus came to seek and save the lost. We're supposed to do the same, remember?

A Forklift Can't Turn Transformer By Itself, But a Mechanic Could Make it Into One.

Following up on the idea of being for Christlike, I think it's important to look at the impossible task of conquering human nature and realize you're not supposed to do it by yourself.

I was assigned a summer reading book for college. It's called "The Open Road: The Global Journey of the Fourteenth Dalai Lama". It's an interesting documentary-style piece that talks about the Dalai lama and who he is, both in public and in private. As a Buddhist the Dalai Lama believes that humans have a problem: it isn't war or famine or poverty- those are just symptoms. The source of these symptoms is the disease of human nature. We are our own enemy.

"[A Buddhist] brings all responsibility inward," writes the author, "so as not to waste time blaming people outside himself, but to see how he can understand (and therefore solve) the problem within."

Later he writes, "...in truth the source of all your power, your answers, lies right here, inside yourself."

Self-betterment is a worthy goal, perhaps even an achievable one. People quit smoking, learn new things, become activists, change for the better all the time. But trying to overcome human nature with human nature is futile. God doesn't ask us as Christians to lay down our lives for people we don't like, or for sinners. He's done that Himself already. He does ask us to have the desire to change, to become more like the men and women we should be. And then He promises to be with us every step of the way, guiding, supporting, and transforming us.

The desire to change is pretty important. If you don't want God messing in your life, He won't, I promise. But if you trust Him, He's gonna give you opportunity after opportunity to change and be transformed.

Being Christlike is Like Asking a Forklift to Turn into a Transformer and Save Mankind

In Philippians chapter 2 verse 5 Paul asks the congregation in Philippi to be like Christ. our lives as Christians are hugely about becoming more Christlike. I don't think very many Christians really understand what that means, let alone take it seriously. It means sacrificing YOUR life and YOUR dreams and living according to someone else's rules and someone else's goals.

Verse 5 says, "Your attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus." That is huge. We're supposed to belike Christ?! God incarnate?! It ought to be impossible. This is a guy who stepped into a courtroom full of murderers, rapists, and evil people and said, "I will take the death penalty for all these people. All of them"

How crazy is that? He died a death in place of really bad people, people he had no reason to even like, peope he should be repulsed by. You know that girl your ex cheated with? You wanna die for her? You know that guy who sexually harassed you in PE? You wanna die for him? How about the guy who broke your leg during a game and ruined your sports scholarship> You feel like dying for that guy? What about that ex best friend who told you she was just using you to get to your boyfriend? The guy who used you for sex and then dropped; the girl who told you you were fat in 7th grade?

If any on of these people were kneeling at the guillotine, would you interrup the execution, run up to the condemned and say "Step away, I'll take your place" ?

What about the Virginia Tech shooter? The pedophile who kidnaps and abuses children? The young parents who, because they couldn't stand their son's crying, abused the two-year-old until he died of internal injuries? What about the terrorists who hijacked four planes on September 11 in 2001?

Would you die for them?

Because the person we're supposed to be like, Jesus, he would. The question isn't really if you think you CAN do that. That part comes later. The question is do you WANT to do that?