Philippians 4:11-12
American society discourages contentment. Instead ads tell you that you won't be happy without a certain hair product, and magazines tell you you'll be beautiful...once you buy a certain make up, and commercials say that your life could be so much better if you shopped at this-and-such a place.
Our society drives us to be "successful". We're told to climb the ladder of success, to make more money, to enjoy a higher and higher standard of living. We're expected to want more and want more and want more after that. The vicious cycle is meant to create an environment of discontent.
Admit it, you've thought that something, material or otherwise, will cause you to finally be happy, or that if some desire, if only fulfilled, would allow you to be content. "I'll be happy once I get that shirt" or "I'll be happy once I get those grades". "I'll be happy when my parents let me get texting" or "I'll be happy once I know where I'm accepted to college" I'm sure some of this sounds familiar.
Contentment isn't something I spend a lot of time thinking about or trying to achieve. A lot (And I mean a LOT) of my high school experience was about getting in and going off to college, not about enjoying the moment. It was always about getting the 'A', and adding to my resume, and improving my test scores.
During my senior year I finally slowed down enough to realize I mas missing the moments I ought to be savoring. I was always on to the next thing and accomplishing the next goal without taking time to be happy with where I was right then. I never said it out loud, but looking back I know I thought I'd be happy as a year older, happier as a senior, happier graduated, happier moved out, happier in college, happier...later.
Paul in Philippians 4 talks a little bit about being content in every situation. He says that he knows what it's like to want for things and he knows what it's like to have everything he wants, but no matter the situation he is content. He's saying that it doesn't matter where you are in your life there's things to be thankful for, reasons to be happy, moments in which to be content. It's not about being happy someday, it's about learning to be content in the right now.
Hebrews 13:5 says "Keep your lives free from the love of money and be content with what you have." If Hebrews had been written today the author may have said "Live your life free from the desire for more and be happy with your life right now."
It's not soething to think twice about. Think once, agree, and enjoy. God's given you permission, practically commanded you to be happy, so... remind me why we shouldn't?
Thursday, August 20, 2009
Sunday, August 16, 2009
You're Using a Power Drill to Mix Red Velvet Cake Batter?
1 Corinthians 6:12-20
Paul talks about the importance of keeping your body pure. Not for the sake of smelling awesome of having a cavity-free smile, or having good hygiene. He says in verse 13, "The body is not meant for sexual immorality, but for the Lord." So sinning sexually means you're actually misusing your body, like you read the manual wrong and you look like an idiot when you use your power drill to mix cake batter. It means when you think lustfully or desire someone's body, you are misusing that power drill.
In fact, this power drill belongs to someone else and the red velvet cake you just mixed with it ruined the bit, the mechanishm, and it's splattered with cake batter. Okay, maybe I wore out this metaphor?
Look. The point is that if you're borrowing someone else's property, you better be sure you're using it properly, you'd better treat it with respect and handle it carefully. And you'd better return it in the same condition that you received it in.
In verse 15 Paul says, "Do you not know that your bodies are members of Christ himself? Shall I then take the members of Christ and unite them with a prostitute?" Don't think of your body as your own, first of all. Second of all, don't give your borrowed body over to sin. Imagine you're borrowing a man's wife for the weekend. would you have her sleep with another man? No!
God is timeless, he is everywhere at once. That means he's outside of time and he sees us at children, as teens, and as adults at the same time. Instead of a timeline he sees one dot and inside that dot is the entire history of the universe. That means that to God, you're already married. When you kiss or give your body to another person who's not your spouse, you're doing that while married. That's how God sees it. You're married sometime down the road, so don't go giving your body to some other dude, or five other dudes for that matter.
I'm not saying that dating is necessarily bad, or that you're going to hell for kissing someone, or even for having a steamy makeout session. All I'm saying is that you might think twice about doing any of that with some who you don't think you'll be marrying any time soon. It's just something to keep in mind that your body is God's first, and that you might want to read the manual and take care of it with respect.
How you treat yourself sets the standard for others.
Paul talks about the importance of keeping your body pure. Not for the sake of smelling awesome of having a cavity-free smile, or having good hygiene. He says in verse 13, "The body is not meant for sexual immorality, but for the Lord." So sinning sexually means you're actually misusing your body, like you read the manual wrong and you look like an idiot when you use your power drill to mix cake batter. It means when you think lustfully or desire someone's body, you are misusing that power drill.
In fact, this power drill belongs to someone else and the red velvet cake you just mixed with it ruined the bit, the mechanishm, and it's splattered with cake batter. Okay, maybe I wore out this metaphor?
Look. The point is that if you're borrowing someone else's property, you better be sure you're using it properly, you'd better treat it with respect and handle it carefully. And you'd better return it in the same condition that you received it in.
In verse 15 Paul says, "Do you not know that your bodies are members of Christ himself? Shall I then take the members of Christ and unite them with a prostitute?" Don't think of your body as your own, first of all. Second of all, don't give your borrowed body over to sin. Imagine you're borrowing a man's wife for the weekend. would you have her sleep with another man? No!
God is timeless, he is everywhere at once. That means he's outside of time and he sees us at children, as teens, and as adults at the same time. Instead of a timeline he sees one dot and inside that dot is the entire history of the universe. That means that to God, you're already married. When you kiss or give your body to another person who's not your spouse, you're doing that while married. That's how God sees it. You're married sometime down the road, so don't go giving your body to some other dude, or five other dudes for that matter.
I'm not saying that dating is necessarily bad, or that you're going to hell for kissing someone, or even for having a steamy makeout session. All I'm saying is that you might think twice about doing any of that with some who you don't think you'll be marrying any time soon. It's just something to keep in mind that your body is God's first, and that you might want to read the manual and take care of it with respect.
How you treat yourself sets the standard for others.
Tuesday, August 11, 2009
Take a Break!
It certainly would have been nice to take a break, but the counselors were busy. The kitchen staff kids on the other hand were not. I'm not sure I ever actually saw them doing dishes. Strange...anyway. The CITs who moved up this year gave the kitchen kids a hard time because they didn't work as hard this year.
At the end of the week the kitchen staff did their skit and it was a parody of Lonely Island's Like a Boss, with Seth Rogen and Andy Samburg. They replaced "like a boss" with "take a break" and performed it with much hilarity ensuing.
The song included lines like this: "chase some deer (take a break!) go canoeing (take a break!) take a nap (take a break!) hide from John (take a break) it's 3 o'clock (take a break) Dan wakes up (take a break!) eat some gushers (take a break!)
Very funny
At the end of the week the kitchen staff did their skit and it was a parody of Lonely Island's Like a Boss, with Seth Rogen and Andy Samburg. They replaced "like a boss" with "take a break" and performed it with much hilarity ensuing.
The song included lines like this: "chase some deer (take a break!) go canoeing (take a break!) take a nap (take a break!) hide from John (take a break) it's 3 o'clock (take a break) Dan wakes up (take a break!) eat some gushers (take a break!)
Very funny
Bee Attack at Camp
Unfortunately for us girls, the sand bees had moved into new holes. Right under the clothes line outside the girl's bathroom. It was hot that day, so naturally everyone had been swimming in the lake. After that, they laid out their towels on and beside the clothesline. Sooo...when they went to pick up their towels later in the evening, the girls discovered in a not so pleasant way that they'd placed their towels over the entrances to a giant bee hive underground. And all the bees inside the beehive were angry that they were trapped inside. Very angry.Talk about mass chaos.
Kids were running and screaming, bees were everywhere, campers were crying. Tikes. One of my campers was stung and bitten. (Notice the giant biting jaws on that bee above and think about those jaws ripping out chunks of skin. Ow? uh, yeah.) From then on my entire cabin was terrified of bees. I never told them we had a wasps nest directly above our door.
Well, some of the upper staff joined together to create a Bee Eradication Force, and sprayed the entire are for bees, and filled in all the holes, and ran in a panic from any buzzing noises they heard. After an entire day of the BEF eradicating all the bees, the problem was taken care of.
Or so we thought.
A couple days later the power went out. The camp is supplied electricity by an underground power cable. The rangers may not have believed us, but we know it was the bees. Those angry angry bees trapped underground got back at us for spraying them.
Notes from Sam's Messages
It's really easy to sit back and think you're a Christian, when you're not.
A lot of times, especially in America, kids are raised in the church, or raised to believe in God, and they think they're set. They call themselves born again Christians, and they've heard Bible stories, and they understand "Christian-ese", but that doesn't make you a Christian. You believe in God, that's great, but even the demons believe in God. There's more to it than that.
God doesn't want you to be a person that's just half-hearted. Don't walk the line. At all. Either pick the world or pick God, but pick a side.
Even worse than unbelief is lukewarm-ness, and people who pass themselves off as Christians, but don't truly want to change, or disturb their lifestyle. If your relationship with Christ hasn't changed you, then do you really have a relationship with Jesus Christ, or are you just lukewarm? Because it's one thing to conform to the ways of the world, but quite another to claim Christianity, but appear no different than everyone else. Christians are set apart by God, they're "new creations". So be hot or cold, not lukewarm.
Read in Ephesians 6 about the Armor of God. Now think about it: do we have any of these things ourselves? No, all of this armor, these weapons are from God! We can't save ourselves.
A lot of times it's easy to depend on ourselves, to trust our own judgment, to make our own plans, when really we should be seeking the will of God and asking for his armor, rather than attempting to defend ourselves without it.
A lot of times, especially in America, kids are raised in the church, or raised to believe in God, and they think they're set. They call themselves born again Christians, and they've heard Bible stories, and they understand "Christian-ese", but that doesn't make you a Christian. You believe in God, that's great, but even the demons believe in God. There's more to it than that.
God doesn't want you to be a person that's just half-hearted. Don't walk the line. At all. Either pick the world or pick God, but pick a side.
Even worse than unbelief is lukewarm-ness, and people who pass themselves off as Christians, but don't truly want to change, or disturb their lifestyle. If your relationship with Christ hasn't changed you, then do you really have a relationship with Jesus Christ, or are you just lukewarm? Because it's one thing to conform to the ways of the world, but quite another to claim Christianity, but appear no different than everyone else. Christians are set apart by God, they're "new creations". So be hot or cold, not lukewarm.
Read in Ephesians 6 about the Armor of God. Now think about it: do we have any of these things ourselves? No, all of this armor, these weapons are from God! We can't save ourselves.
A lot of times it's easy to depend on ourselves, to trust our own judgment, to make our own plans, when really we should be seeking the will of God and asking for his armor, rather than attempting to defend ourselves without it.
Being Salty
"If you just look like salt, but you're not affecting anyone, you're not salt, you just look like it."
Sam, our missionary at camp this year, talked a little bit about being salt and light on Monday and the part above really stood out to me. I'd never head it put that way before and that's really stuck in my mind.
A lot of the things Sam said made me re-evaluate my walk with God and made me realize that thinking I'm a Christian doesn't make me a Christian.
I was talking about this with Peter too, that you can't just believe parts of the Bible, like the peart where you go to heaven, and ignore the part where it tells you to love your neighbor.
It made me think that a lot of times I just look like salt. I go to church, I'm involved in ministry, I go to youth, but I'm not affecting anyone. I'm not changing lives, I'm not even planting seeds. Most of the time I blend right in with everyone else. And I don't think that's ok anymore.
Sam sort of opened my eyes and shot an arrow right through my heart saying "You just look like salt."
I don't want to settle for just looking like salt anymore.
Sam, our missionary at camp this year, talked a little bit about being salt and light on Monday and the part above really stood out to me. I'd never head it put that way before and that's really stuck in my mind.
A lot of the things Sam said made me re-evaluate my walk with God and made me realize that thinking I'm a Christian doesn't make me a Christian.
I was talking about this with Peter too, that you can't just believe parts of the Bible, like the peart where you go to heaven, and ignore the part where it tells you to love your neighbor.
It made me think that a lot of times I just look like salt. I go to church, I'm involved in ministry, I go to youth, but I'm not affecting anyone. I'm not changing lives, I'm not even planting seeds. Most of the time I blend right in with everyone else. And I don't think that's ok anymore.
Sam sort of opened my eyes and shot an arrow right through my heart saying "You just look like salt."
I don't want to settle for just looking like salt anymore.
Sunday, August 09, 2009
I'll Say I'll See You Soon
I think God must've sent you to me
To hold me close and to be what I need
'cause when you look into my eyes I know you understand
and when you put your arms around me it's to hold me up when I can't
When we sat around the fire on the very last night
I put my head against your shoulder and all I could do was to cry
Because you and this camp are my source of light
and I have to leave it all for a land of black night
I spend the rest of the year waiting to come back
and when I see what I'm missing I can't stand to leave all that
So all I can do is cry silently
against the shoulder of the friend who's holding me tightly
and the more you say it's okay the more I think it's not.
Because friends like you aren't the ones I've got
So then Madi comes over and wipes the tears from my face
she has a Bible in her hand and tells me not to be afrai
This girl is 12 years old and she prays over me
Speaking the Word of the Lord like an angel to me
She brushes the hair from my face and you wipe a tear from my nose
and my heart breaks it's so full of more love than you know
So when I say I think God must've sent you to me
I'm serious it's because my prayers have been answered for me
And I'm crying from happiness, I'm crying from love
I'm crying because you're angels sent to me from the God above.
I'm crying because it'll be a year before I see you smile again
and because I only have a few more hours to hug my friends
and I miss you so much, I miss you so much
and I love you so much, I love you so much
So I'll say I'll see you soon, I can't say goodbye
Make me laugh soon or I'll never stop crying.
To hold me close and to be what I need
'cause when you look into my eyes I know you understand
and when you put your arms around me it's to hold me up when I can't
When we sat around the fire on the very last night
I put my head against your shoulder and all I could do was to cry
Because you and this camp are my source of light
and I have to leave it all for a land of black night
I spend the rest of the year waiting to come back
and when I see what I'm missing I can't stand to leave all that
So all I can do is cry silently
against the shoulder of the friend who's holding me tightly
and the more you say it's okay the more I think it's not.
Because friends like you aren't the ones I've got
So then Madi comes over and wipes the tears from my face
she has a Bible in her hand and tells me not to be afrai
This girl is 12 years old and she prays over me
Speaking the Word of the Lord like an angel to me
She brushes the hair from my face and you wipe a tear from my nose
and my heart breaks it's so full of more love than you know
So when I say I think God must've sent you to me
I'm serious it's because my prayers have been answered for me
And I'm crying from happiness, I'm crying from love
I'm crying because you're angels sent to me from the God above.
I'm crying because it'll be a year before I see you smile again
and because I only have a few more hours to hug my friends
and I miss you so much, I miss you so much
and I love you so much, I love you so much
So I'll say I'll see you soon, I can't say goodbye
Make me laugh soon or I'll never stop crying.
Friday, July 31, 2009
I'll Be Your Sunshine
Everyone deserves a little happiness in their life
Everyone needs a ray of sunshine to shine so bright
and you deserve to be happy
deserve to have sunshine
I wanna be that happiness for you
I wanna be that happiness for you
I wanna make you smile
I wanna make you laugh
I wanna give you hope
I'll chase away your sad
I wanna hug you tight
I wanna shine so bright
And when you feel bad in your life
Look at me, look at me, I'll shine so bright
Look at me, look at me, I'll hold you tight
Look at me, look at me, I'll love you right
Everyone deserves a little happiness in their life
needs someone to say "keep battlin' in this fight"
It's too easy to get low
too easy to let go
You need a little sunshine, need a little light
I wanna be that happiness so bright
I wanna be that happiness for you
I wanna be that happiness for you
I wanna make you smile
I wanna make you laugh
I wanna give you hope
I'll chase away your sad
I wanna hug you tight
I wanna shine so bright
And when you feel bad in your life
Look at me, look at me, I'll shine so bright
Look at me, look at me, I'll hold you tight
Look at me, look at me, I'll love you right
Everyone needs a ray of sunshine to shine so bright
and you deserve to be happy
deserve to have sunshine
I wanna be that happiness for you
I wanna be that happiness for you
I wanna make you smile
I wanna make you laugh
I wanna give you hope
I'll chase away your sad
I wanna hug you tight
I wanna shine so bright
And when you feel bad in your life
Look at me, look at me, I'll shine so bright
Look at me, look at me, I'll hold you tight
Look at me, look at me, I'll love you right
Everyone deserves a little happiness in their life
needs someone to say "keep battlin' in this fight"
It's too easy to get low
too easy to let go
You need a little sunshine, need a little light
I wanna be that happiness so bright
I wanna be that happiness for you
I wanna be that happiness for you
I wanna make you smile
I wanna make you laugh
I wanna give you hope
I'll chase away your sad
I wanna hug you tight
I wanna shine so bright
And when you feel bad in your life
Look at me, look at me, I'll shine so bright
Look at me, look at me, I'll hold you tight
Look at me, look at me, I'll love you right
I Never Expected This
I never expected this, I never expected you
I was never s'posed to be scared of losing anyone like you
There was never supposed to be someone that I would have to leave
and how can I take back my heart when you've taken over me?
So I'll say I'm fearless but I do have one fear
and it's the day we'll say the words we're both scared to hear
So we'll make our time last forever
Freeze our oments spent together
We've got three more weeks and a graduation
and three months of a summer vacation
We'll fly far, and we'll fly free
I'll hold you and you'll hold me
Well your dad yells and mine growls constant threats
Your mom smiles and mine cries that I'll have regrets
You werent in their picture of my perfection
You weren't in their plan for my direction
And I'm fearless to the world but I have one fear
and that's the day I can't hold you near
So we'll make our time last forever
We'll freeze our moments spent together
We've got three more weeks and a graduation
and three months of a summer vacation
so we'll fly far, and we'll fly free
and I'll hold you, and you'll hold me
There was never s'posed to be someone that I would have to leave
I would never have had to miss someone who was never close to me
Sometimes when you hold me and you look at me you say
"I just wanna be with you" and I can't tell you to leave me someday
So I can't say I'm fearless 'cause sometimes I'm scared
of that day we'll both find out just how much I care
We have to make our time last forever
And freeze our moments spent together
We've got three more weeks and a graduation
and three months of a summer vacation
and we'll fly far, and we'll fly free
Oh I'll hold you, and you'll hold me...
I was never s'posed to be scared of losing anyone like you
There was never supposed to be someone that I would have to leave
and how can I take back my heart when you've taken over me?
So I'll say I'm fearless but I do have one fear
and it's the day we'll say the words we're both scared to hear
So we'll make our time last forever
Freeze our oments spent together
We've got three more weeks and a graduation
and three months of a summer vacation
We'll fly far, and we'll fly free
I'll hold you and you'll hold me
Well your dad yells and mine growls constant threats
Your mom smiles and mine cries that I'll have regrets
You werent in their picture of my perfection
You weren't in their plan for my direction
And I'm fearless to the world but I have one fear
and that's the day I can't hold you near
So we'll make our time last forever
We'll freeze our moments spent together
We've got three more weeks and a graduation
and three months of a summer vacation
so we'll fly far, and we'll fly free
and I'll hold you, and you'll hold me
There was never s'posed to be someone that I would have to leave
I would never have had to miss someone who was never close to me
Sometimes when you hold me and you look at me you say
"I just wanna be with you" and I can't tell you to leave me someday
So I can't say I'm fearless 'cause sometimes I'm scared
of that day we'll both find out just how much I care
We have to make our time last forever
And freeze our moments spent together
We've got three more weeks and a graduation
and three months of a summer vacation
and we'll fly far, and we'll fly free
Oh I'll hold you, and you'll hold me...
Until You Can Quit It
17 May 2009
You say you wanted me to be your everything
That it was more than just a one night fligh
and when I told you no you thought you'd be fine
and then it hit you hard one more time
That it was not, not anybody else you wanted,
You called me up to say you thought it could work
But I say
Lose the bottle and lose the booze
'cause it's a game you always lose
Don't tell me that I'm all you want
When every weekend you're out downing shots
You say you wanted me to be your everything
That it was more than just a one night fligh
and when I told you no you thought you'd be fine
and then it hit you hard one more time
That it was not, not anybody else you wanted,
You called me up to say you thought it could work
But I say
Lose the bottle and lose the booze
'cause it's a game you always lose
Don't tell me that I'm all you want
When every weekend you're out downing shots
You let that drink control you
And I'm not about to hold you
When you've got one hand in mine
and the other on the drink that's one your mind
So until you can quit it
you can just forget it
I break my heart saying it was just a one night fling
You don't want me to be your everything
And I can't see your eyes but I can hear it in your voice
That I've hurt you a lot and you don't wanna make this choice
So I let you off the hook and I say we could never work
and the pain of breaking won't add up to the reward it's worth
So I just say
You couldn't lose the bottle or lose the booze
"cause that's a game you'll always lose
Don't tell me I'm all you want
When every weekend you're out downing shots
You'll let that drink control you
and I'm not about to hold you
When you've got one hand in mine
and the other on the drink that's on your mind
So because you can't quit it
You can just forget it
And I'm not about to hold you
When you've got one hand in mine
and the other on the drink that's one your mind
So until you can quit it
you can just forget it
I break my heart saying it was just a one night fling
You don't want me to be your everything
And I can't see your eyes but I can hear it in your voice
That I've hurt you a lot and you don't wanna make this choice
So I let you off the hook and I say we could never work
and the pain of breaking won't add up to the reward it's worth
So I just say
You couldn't lose the bottle or lose the booze
"cause that's a game you'll always lose
Don't tell me I'm all you want
When every weekend you're out downing shots
You'll let that drink control you
and I'm not about to hold you
When you've got one hand in mine
and the other on the drink that's on your mind
So because you can't quit it
You can just forget it
"You're Supposed to Feel Alone"
I tried to tell you once, I tried to tell you twice
I cried to you all flipping night
I said "hey mom and dad, I feel like a stranger
and I hate you a lot with all of this anger
but it makes me sad to feel so alone
I don't wanna hate you anymore, I just wanna come home"
I was cryin out to you with arms outstretched
"Won't you love me again?" and my tears confessed
that for the first time I wasn't tellin' you a lie
But you just looked at me so cold
And told me I was s'posed to feel alone
I just don't understand
I said "love me!" but you can't?
I said I didn't trust you so I'd kept to myself
every secret I had, every feeling I'd felt
I said "hey mom and dad I feel like a stranger
but I don't wanna hate you anymore with all of this anger"
But you looked in my eyes and you raised your hands
and you yelled in my face "I don't give a damn"
I was cryin' out to you with arms outstretched
"Won't you love me again?" and my tears confessed
that for the first time I wasn't tellin' you a lie
But you just looked at me so cold
And told me I was s'posed to feel alone
I just don't understand
I said "love me!" but you can't?
I told you you were emotionally unavailable
but your hard hearts made you totally unassailable
and there I was, snigging and crying and pouring out my hear
and you took the opportunity to tear me apart.
So in my own family I'll keep feelin' like a stranger
And I'll pretend I'm fine and keep hidin' my anger
I was cryin' out to you with arms outstretched
"Won't you love me again?" and my tears confessed
that for the first time I wasn't tellin' you a lie
But you just looked at me so cold
And told me I was s'posed to feel alone
I just don't understand
I said "love me!" but you can't?
I told you how I felt really sad and alone
and you took the opportunity to have me Biblically stoned?
So screw you, you don't wanna be my parents? Then don't.
But don't look to me when you're old and alone.
You'll say to me "we gave you everything, how could we know?"
But you knew you were holding back what I needed most
And when I came to you in honesty looking for love
You said I didn't need it, what I had was enough.
I was confused and you made me feel ashamed
But I shouldn't have hoped you could possibly change.
So please please please now that I know where you stand
Stay away from me until you give a damn.
I wrote this after a fight I had with my parents. I was so, so upset by what they had said to me. I was so hurt, and whether they'd meant to make me feel this way or not, the message I got was that they didn't want to parent me and that I didn't need their love. Try swallowing that after you sob to them for an hour and a half about how you feel alone without them.
I cried to you all flipping night
I said "hey mom and dad, I feel like a stranger
and I hate you a lot with all of this anger
but it makes me sad to feel so alone
I don't wanna hate you anymore, I just wanna come home"
I was cryin out to you with arms outstretched
"Won't you love me again?" and my tears confessed
that for the first time I wasn't tellin' you a lie
But you just looked at me so cold
And told me I was s'posed to feel alone
I just don't understand
I said "love me!" but you can't?
I said I didn't trust you so I'd kept to myself
every secret I had, every feeling I'd felt
I said "hey mom and dad I feel like a stranger
but I don't wanna hate you anymore with all of this anger"
But you looked in my eyes and you raised your hands
and you yelled in my face "I don't give a damn"
I was cryin' out to you with arms outstretched
"Won't you love me again?" and my tears confessed
that for the first time I wasn't tellin' you a lie
But you just looked at me so cold
And told me I was s'posed to feel alone
I just don't understand
I said "love me!" but you can't?
I told you you were emotionally unavailable
but your hard hearts made you totally unassailable
and there I was, snigging and crying and pouring out my hear
and you took the opportunity to tear me apart.
So in my own family I'll keep feelin' like a stranger
And I'll pretend I'm fine and keep hidin' my anger
I was cryin' out to you with arms outstretched
"Won't you love me again?" and my tears confessed
that for the first time I wasn't tellin' you a lie
But you just looked at me so cold
And told me I was s'posed to feel alone
I just don't understand
I said "love me!" but you can't?
I told you how I felt really sad and alone
and you took the opportunity to have me Biblically stoned?
So screw you, you don't wanna be my parents? Then don't.
But don't look to me when you're old and alone.
You'll say to me "we gave you everything, how could we know?"
But you knew you were holding back what I needed most
And when I came to you in honesty looking for love
You said I didn't need it, what I had was enough.
I was confused and you made me feel ashamed
But I shouldn't have hoped you could possibly change.
So please please please now that I know where you stand
Stay away from me until you give a damn.
I wrote this after a fight I had with my parents. I was so, so upset by what they had said to me. I was so hurt, and whether they'd meant to make me feel this way or not, the message I got was that they didn't want to parent me and that I didn't need their love. Try swallowing that after you sob to them for an hour and a half about how you feel alone without them.
Thursday, March 12, 2009
I Think That You Should Know
03.08.29
So I have trust issues, so I'm afraid of being close
There are reasons for these walls and I think that you should know
That I'm worth having, but you don't get me for free
and I'm beggin' you to chase me, but I won't be cheap
'Cause I'm not afraid of sayin' that you scare me shitless
So prove to me I won't regret this
I might get scared and try to run
i might be hesitant but don't give up
If I get scared try to understand
that all you need to do is hold my hand
I need someone who's gonna hold me tight
who won't let go of me through the night
'Cause I put up all these walls to protect my heart
and it won't be easy to take 'em apart
I've become so scared of bein' hurt
that reaching out is hard, you'll have to do it first
But please do do it before my feet start to run
and a heart attack kills me and I have to be done
I have trust issues and I'm afraid of bein' close
There're reasons for those walls, butt I think that you should know
that I couldn't want somethin more
Than somethin' I can't hope for
So I have trust issues, so I'm afraid of being close
There are reasons for these walls and I think that you should know
That I'm worth having, but you don't get me for free
and I'm beggin' you to chase me, but I won't be cheap
'Cause I'm not afraid of sayin' that you scare me shitless
So prove to me I won't regret this
I might get scared and try to run
i might be hesitant but don't give up
If I get scared try to understand
that all you need to do is hold my hand
I need someone who's gonna hold me tight
who won't let go of me through the night
'Cause I put up all these walls to protect my heart
and it won't be easy to take 'em apart
I've become so scared of bein' hurt
that reaching out is hard, you'll have to do it first
But please do do it before my feet start to run
and a heart attack kills me and I have to be done
I have trust issues and I'm afraid of bein' close
There're reasons for those walls, butt I think that you should know
that I couldn't want somethin more
Than somethin' I can't hope for
You Know I'm Scared, Right?
Once upon a time I thought I'd be okay
Thought the dreams about him would go away
Once upon a time I thought my heart was whole
But there are pieces missing and I'm alone
Months pass by and I watch them go
I finally give up 'cause you can't kill ghosts
It's been a long time since I felt this way
It's been a long time since caring made me feel afraid
And I'm so scared of you
'Cause when I care
My heart goes with you when you walk away
(and they always walk away)
Tired of feelin' sorry and of feelin' sayd
Gotta move on and quit feelin' this bad
tired of bein' lonely and waitin' around
I'm tired of bein lost, I wanna be found
So I'll open up a little and tear down some walls
It's like jumpin' off a cliff hopin' someone'll catch your fall
It's been a long time since I felt this way
It's been a long time since caring made me feel afraid
And I'm so scared of you
'Cause when I care
My heart goes with you when you walk away
(and they always walk away)
That's why I'm scared, that's why I'm afraid
I'm not sure if I could bear to lose what I'd gain
The hard part isn't givin' my heart away
It's puttin' it back into my chest when you give it back someday
It's been a long time since I felt this way
It's been a long time since caring made me feel afraid
And I'm so scared of you
'Cause when I care
My heart goes with you when you walk away
(and they always walk away)
Thought the dreams about him would go away
Once upon a time I thought my heart was whole
But there are pieces missing and I'm alone
Months pass by and I watch them go
I finally give up 'cause you can't kill ghosts
It's been a long time since I felt this way
It's been a long time since caring made me feel afraid
And I'm so scared of you
'Cause when I care
My heart goes with you when you walk away
(and they always walk away)
Tired of feelin' sorry and of feelin' sayd
Gotta move on and quit feelin' this bad
tired of bein' lonely and waitin' around
I'm tired of bein lost, I wanna be found
So I'll open up a little and tear down some walls
It's like jumpin' off a cliff hopin' someone'll catch your fall
It's been a long time since I felt this way
It's been a long time since caring made me feel afraid
And I'm so scared of you
'Cause when I care
My heart goes with you when you walk away
(and they always walk away)
That's why I'm scared, that's why I'm afraid
I'm not sure if I could bear to lose what I'd gain
The hard part isn't givin' my heart away
It's puttin' it back into my chest when you give it back someday
It's been a long time since I felt this way
It's been a long time since caring made me feel afraid
And I'm so scared of you
'Cause when I care
My heart goes with you when you walk away
(and they always walk away)
Just Go Away
I tried to wait, I really did
I waited all last year through chem
I though I'd learned, I really did
But I just felt disappointed
Over once, over again
Finally gave up and now I just pretend
I just don't know how you can't see
And I've say around enough waiting
You know I wish I could just walk away
But I can't seem to change my ways
And I can't think how to save
The heart you hold that I once gave
So I guess we'll play the game
Where i pretend that nothing's changed
So we'll just see how far it goes
I'm putting on quite a show
Ad faking that I don't care
Is not as hard as knowing you really don't care
And what's even worse is that it went so far
and now i just feel stupid
I waited all last year through chem
I though I'd learned, I really did
But I just felt disappointed
Over once, over again
Finally gave up and now I just pretend
I just don't know how you can't see
And I've say around enough waiting
You know I wish I could just walk away
But I can't seem to change my ways
And I can't think how to save
The heart you hold that I once gave
So I guess we'll play the game
Where i pretend that nothing's changed
So we'll just see how far it goes
I'm putting on quite a show
Ad faking that I don't care
Is not as hard as knowing you really don't care
And what's even worse is that it went so far
and now i just feel stupid
It Was You Who Helped Me Go
I've been sittin' here so long
Tryin' to write you a song
That could maybe explain
The difference you've made
You were the hands to pull me up
The arms to hug me close
You let me learn to trust
When my heart had turned so cold
When I had nowhere to turn
You were there to catch my fall
When there were lessons to be learned
You were there through it all
If I didn't know what to do
I would come to you
And you would remind me of the road
That I was s'posed to be on
You really changed my life
and I think that you should know
That when I spread my wings to fly
It was you who helped me go
Tryin' to write you a song
That could maybe explain
The difference you've made
You were the hands to pull me up
The arms to hug me close
You let me learn to trust
When my heart had turned so cold
When I had nowhere to turn
You were there to catch my fall
When there were lessons to be learned
You were there through it all
If I didn't know what to do
I would come to you
And you would remind me of the road
That I was s'posed to be on
You really changed my life
and I think that you should know
That when I spread my wings to fly
It was you who helped me go
There is No Happily Ever After
When Aaron was younger,
he's always been smaller,
He was just like you or me
what his parents told him to be
People sometimes said he didn't smile much
Sometimes they said he didn't laugh enough
When it came time to go, nobody knew why,
Little Aaron might suddenly have a tear in his eye
But he took his daddy's hand and he went away
With that awful look on his face every single day
We didn't know that when we let him go
Aaron's daddy would take him home
And beat his little body with his bare fists
And shout into his face with his flying spit
We didn't know that Aaron had broken bones
had a broken spirit and felt all alone
Sometimes he didn't want to sit in his chair
because his mommy had spanked him 'til it was purple back there
One day Aaron told my mom and dad everything
He didn't cry when he showed the ugly blue-black rings
Left by his daddy's heavy fists
Left by his mommy's anger fits
I took Aaron's hand and I held it tight
I told him I thought everything would be alright
But Aaron didn't move, he just sat like a stone
For and hour and a half he stayed so cold
And just as he began to lift
One corner of his frowning granite lips
Aaron's daddy stepped right through the front door
As me and limp Aaron sank to the floor
I told him that I wouldn't let go
But Aaron's eyes stayed dead, his mouth in an "O"
His daddy took his shirt and dragged him and me
'Cause I couldn't let go after promising
My head hit the door frame, I didn't mean to lose my grip
The last thing I saw were Aaron's reaching fingertips
His daddy put him in the car and and they drove away
And I haven't seen Aaron since that day
Now Aaron spends his days in an empty cell
It used to be his bedroom, now an echoing shell
Sometime his mommy brings him food and he eats off the floor
I don't know how much they let him outdoors
Sometimes I sit outside his window and let myself cry
All the tears Aaron doesn't and wonder why
Who would want to hurt such a beautiful boy?
Who would dare to abuse him like some cheap toy?
And I cry for Aaron, I cry 'cause he won't
As he sits in the dark, hurt and alone
he's always been smaller,
He was just like you or me
what his parents told him to be
People sometimes said he didn't smile much
Sometimes they said he didn't laugh enough
When it came time to go, nobody knew why,
Little Aaron might suddenly have a tear in his eye
But he took his daddy's hand and he went away
With that awful look on his face every single day
We didn't know that when we let him go
Aaron's daddy would take him home
And beat his little body with his bare fists
And shout into his face with his flying spit
We didn't know that Aaron had broken bones
had a broken spirit and felt all alone
Sometimes he didn't want to sit in his chair
because his mommy had spanked him 'til it was purple back there
One day Aaron told my mom and dad everything
He didn't cry when he showed the ugly blue-black rings
Left by his daddy's heavy fists
Left by his mommy's anger fits
I took Aaron's hand and I held it tight
I told him I thought everything would be alright
But Aaron didn't move, he just sat like a stone
For and hour and a half he stayed so cold
And just as he began to lift
One corner of his frowning granite lips
Aaron's daddy stepped right through the front door
As me and limp Aaron sank to the floor
I told him that I wouldn't let go
But Aaron's eyes stayed dead, his mouth in an "O"
His daddy took his shirt and dragged him and me
'Cause I couldn't let go after promising
My head hit the door frame, I didn't mean to lose my grip
The last thing I saw were Aaron's reaching fingertips
His daddy put him in the car and and they drove away
And I haven't seen Aaron since that day
Now Aaron spends his days in an empty cell
It used to be his bedroom, now an echoing shell
Sometime his mommy brings him food and he eats off the floor
I don't know how much they let him outdoors
Sometimes I sit outside his window and let myself cry
All the tears Aaron doesn't and wonder why
Who would want to hurt such a beautiful boy?
Who would dare to abuse him like some cheap toy?
And I cry for Aaron, I cry 'cause he won't
As he sits in the dark, hurt and alone
Why Don't I Hate it Here?
I don't wanna go, but I wanna move on
I don't wanna cry but these tears still come
And I hate it here, so just tell me why
I can't stand to leave so I stand and cry
This place, it took me so far away
From everything I knew in just one day
With all I've been through how can I say
I don't hate it here, when did that change?
Well it's you, you've made this place my home
It's you, you told me I could own
My future and my life, through God and Jesus Christ
So thank you, thank you for my life
Just thank you, thank you for these eyes
So I can see the light of this brand new sun rise
It's you, who had the love to say
That everything would work out okay
So from me to you, just thank you
When I had to leave I though my life was over
from everything I knew to trying to start over
When you're hurt that bad it's hard to stay
To just hang on to each new lifeless day
This place, it took me so far away
From everything I knew in just one day
With all I've been through how can I say
I don't hate it here, when did that change?
Well it's you, you've made this place my home
It's you, you told me I could own
My future and my life, through God and Jesus Christ
So thank you, thank you for my life
Just thank you, thank you for these eyes
So I can see the light of this brand new sun rise
It's you, who had the love to say
That everything would work out okay
So from me to you, just thank you
When you're in the dark, there is nothing else
You feel so alone and all by yourself
There's no one to turn to, there's nowhere to run
You hurt so much you just wanna be done
This place it took me so far away
From everything I knew in just one day
With all I've been through how can I say
I don't hate it here, When did that change?
Well it's you, you've made this place my home
It's you, you told me I could own
My future and my life, through God and Jesus Christ
So thank you, thank you for my life
Just thank you, thank you for these eyes
So I can see the light of this brand new sun rise
It's you, who had the love to say
That everything would work out okay
So from me to you, just thank you
I don't want to leave, but I know I'll survive
Moving out, moving forward, to a new life
Now as I look back never thought I'd regret
Leaving the place of so much regret
And this place it took me so far away
From everything I knew in just one day
With all I've been through how can I say
I don't hate it here, when did that change?
Well it's you, you've made this place my home
It's you, you told me I could own
My future and my life, through God and Jesus Christ
So thank you, thank you for my life
Just thank you, thank you for these eyes
So I can see the light of this brand new sun rise
It's you, who had the love to say
That everything would work out okay
So from me to you, just thank you
I don't wanna cry but these tears still come
And I hate it here, so just tell me why
I can't stand to leave so I stand and cry
This place, it took me so far away
From everything I knew in just one day
With all I've been through how can I say
I don't hate it here, when did that change?
Well it's you, you've made this place my home
It's you, you told me I could own
My future and my life, through God and Jesus Christ
So thank you, thank you for my life
Just thank you, thank you for these eyes
So I can see the light of this brand new sun rise
It's you, who had the love to say
That everything would work out okay
So from me to you, just thank you
When I had to leave I though my life was over
from everything I knew to trying to start over
When you're hurt that bad it's hard to stay
To just hang on to each new lifeless day
This place, it took me so far away
From everything I knew in just one day
With all I've been through how can I say
I don't hate it here, when did that change?
Well it's you, you've made this place my home
It's you, you told me I could own
My future and my life, through God and Jesus Christ
So thank you, thank you for my life
Just thank you, thank you for these eyes
So I can see the light of this brand new sun rise
It's you, who had the love to say
That everything would work out okay
So from me to you, just thank you
When you're in the dark, there is nothing else
You feel so alone and all by yourself
There's no one to turn to, there's nowhere to run
You hurt so much you just wanna be done
This place it took me so far away
From everything I knew in just one day
With all I've been through how can I say
I don't hate it here, When did that change?
Well it's you, you've made this place my home
It's you, you told me I could own
My future and my life, through God and Jesus Christ
So thank you, thank you for my life
Just thank you, thank you for these eyes
So I can see the light of this brand new sun rise
It's you, who had the love to say
That everything would work out okay
So from me to you, just thank you
I don't want to leave, but I know I'll survive
Moving out, moving forward, to a new life
Now as I look back never thought I'd regret
Leaving the place of so much regret
And this place it took me so far away
From everything I knew in just one day
With all I've been through how can I say
I don't hate it here, when did that change?
Well it's you, you've made this place my home
It's you, you told me I could own
My future and my life, through God and Jesus Christ
So thank you, thank you for my life
Just thank you, thank you for these eyes
So I can see the light of this brand new sun rise
It's you, who had the love to say
That everything would work out okay
So from me to you, just thank you
Monday, January 12, 2009
I'm Eighteen and I'm Not a Legal Adult?
From the December issue of The Brand
Having just celebrated my eighteenth birthday, I am enjoying my status as a legal adult. I no
longer have to worry about Winnemucca’s curfew, I’ve received several calls from military recruiters, and I had the privilege of voting in the presidential election as well; I even emporarily considered moving out just because I could, but concluded a few minutes later that I enjoy the bed and the free food far too much to move out. However, going over my new rights as a legal adult, I realized that I still must wait to receive the full extent of my rights as an American citizen; for some reason I will be denied the right to drink an alcoholic beverage for another three years.
Honestly, I have been unable to uncover a legitimate argument against 18- year-olds drinking alcohol that cannot be easily dismissed. Some have told me that they think it’s a health risk or a safety hazard to 18-year-olds or those around them. But come on, 18-yearolds are permitted to buy and smoke cigarettes, which is not only dangerous to one’s own health, but endangers others as well. Smoking and the second- hand smoke it produces have been linked to such killers as cancer, heart disease, and emphysema. On the other hand, numerous studies have suggested that drinking alcohol in moderation can actually benefit your health. In fact, the Mayo Clinic advises that a moderate alcohol intake of two drinks a day can reduce your risk of heart attack and heart disease, diabetes, and stroke.
What safety hazards does drinking alcohol present specifically to my 18- year-old self that don’t equally apply to my 21-year-old brother? Yes, drinking a bottle of Russian vodka and then driving home, poses a significant health risk both to the drunk driver and others on the road, but is a drunk driver any less drunk on his 21st birthday than his 18th?
Drinking a piña colada doesn’t pose nearly the health risk signing up for the Army might. It’s an honor to have the right to fight and die for our country; it’s a heavy responsibility to be able to influence the future of the world by voting; but for some reason 18-yearolds aren’t equipped with the ability to drink safely or responsibly. If I’m mature enough to be handed an automatic weapon and shipped off to a foreign country to kill the enemies of America, how can I not be mature or responsible enough to drink?
Quantum of Solace
I wrote this review for The Brand, my school's newspaper.
Tuxedos, martinis, and golden guns belong to the world of the dashing James Bond we know and love.
This is not classic Bond.
Connery, Moore, and Brosnan were suave and gentlemanly, and notoriously womanizing; Daniel Craig’s Bond is a rough and rugged representation of the MI6 agent before he became charming or conceived of his infamous “Bond, James Bond” line. A gritty backdrop and a bitter, brooding Bond allow the audience to glimpse the darker side of the British secret agent we once thought we knew. Although I once had misgivings about Craig’s being cast, his performance in “Casino Royale” last year and now “Quantum” have proven him worthy of this newly renovated Bond.
“Quantum of Solace” opens mere moments after “Casino” leaves off. Bond had been enamored with lover Vesper Lynd (Eva Green), who then betrayed her agent boyfriend and committed suicide in front of him by drowning herself. Filled with searing rage at Vesper’s betrayal, but also deeply troubled by his true love’s death, Bond is now smitten with sweet Revenge. Driven by his anger, Bond sets out to get even with the crooks responsible for Vesper’s betrayal and death, and he’ll kill anyone stupid enough to get in his way. Judi Dench plays “M”, Bond’s sensible boss, who finds it increasingly difficult to control an agent who has suddenly and violently turned rogue.
Naturally, Bond’s vengeance is served quite nobly in the end, and naturally his wrath is appeased after shooting, throttling, and killing as many thugs as he can. Just as naturally Bond meets mysterious and angst-filled Russian beauty, Camille (Olga Kurylenko), whom he can’t fall in love with because of Vesper- baggage, but must aid anyway because she’s a damsel in distress out for the same revenge Bond is looking for.
Although “Quantum” has been critically acclaimed for being action packed and “gritty” and “raw”, I find myself missing the old Bond a bit, with his “Bond, James Bond” and his famous martini, shaken not stirred, which have been noticeably absent from the new films. “Quantum” does provide a second look at the womanizing James Bond of previous films, allowing a more real, more human James Bond to emerge. Craig’s performances have truly been top-notch, as he exhibits his expansive range of talent. Whether he’s being angry and smoldering, or seductively chivalrous, or killing someone in cold blood, Craig can pull it off.
In fact, Craig’s emotional Bond proves the most interesting aspect of “Quantum” as the story, which centers around a political message, never gets better than boring. But seriously, it has a boat chase, a car chase, evil villains, sultry women, fancy cars, big explosions, and a good-lookin’ hero- what more could you want from James Bond?
Sunday, November 23, 2008
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